Breaking the Comparison Cycle: Navigating Feeling ‘Not Good Enough’

Yuen 

In today's episode, we'll be diving deep into the challenges and difficulties of feeling good enough when everything around us is not reinforcing that message. It's Yuen. 

Mike 

And Mike, welcome to The Imperfect Clinician.  

Mike 

We made it to the last episode of Season 4. Thank you very much for being with us so far. It's been just over 50 episodes, so we really appreciate that you spend your time with us. Today we want to talk about something that I've come across not that long ago saying that it's very difficult to feel adequate. It's very difficult to feel good enough because wherever we turn our head, it seems like the world is telling us that you are not good enough. You seem to compare yourself to those goals that you can't really reach all the time because first of all, they're not your goals. Second of all, they are elsewhere. And third of all, you live other people's lives whether you watch TV, whether you go on any social media. It seems like you're seeing fraction of peoples’ lives, of peoples’ experiences that make you feel worse. I guess. What's your take on it? 

Yuen 

Yeah, I think because currently we're in a society or more and more so. We always bombarded and perhaps surrounded with unrealistic standards, so it's incredibly challenging to maintain a healthy sense of self-worth. Like you said, even though it's only a snippet of other people, when you see the snippets constantly, that becomes a reality because you don't have the context. You don't have the background story and you don't see the difficulties. You only see the glamorous side. 

Mike 

Yeah, I guess you don't see the struggles that people might have. You only see the final picture, the thing is behind the pink mirror that people sometimes want to portray themselves as through their experience that are at their best, but not necessarily the journey, or to get there,  

Yuen 

I guess yeah, because I think whether that is through social media or whether that is through advertising. Those images or narratives are curated. So they're unrealistic and it gives you an inaccurate depiction of what standards are, and this can easily, especially when you are surrounded by it and not separate clear boundaries, can lead to feelings of inadequacy and not feeling good. The other thing you mentioned about is the societal expectation. I think there always will be constant pressure to conform to societal standards because we are a community, after all. Biologically, we are wired that way. So we want to feel that we are part of the group we want to belong. And so one of the ways to do that is to conform to the society’s rules or expectations. 

Mike 

OK, so I've got a question here. So why if you're saying that all this curated messages that are being you know we're being bombarded with if they are curated, designed in a way to make us feel better, why do they not do that? Us because you know me, you see adverts of people being happy or whatever drinking beer, I don't know, entertained in clubs and everybody seemed to be joyful. So what is the purpose of it? If it's ultimately making us feel worse about ourselves? Does it give us, like, I don't know, short boost of and empowered energy cause, I don't know, I've never, you know, looked at an advert saying, well, actually, I think that this is my life. This is what I would aspire to be. I always look at it through the prism of saying, well, I guess it's happening. It's one of the possibilities and that doesn't necessarily have to relate to what my life is about, but is it something that we want to aspire to? Because I I don't quite understand where the appeal is. 

Yuen 

It's giving you something that you are looking forward to, whether it's an advert about a holiday or whether it's an advert about a product, it's there to make you feel like you need it and in order to need it, almost accepting that or I don't have it. But also. How you take on that narrative will be different. And I guess with social media, the portrayal of successes, the portrayal of happiness, appearances, possessions, these can kickstart the comparison trap almost where you have heard that growing up in the family, it's easy to compare ourselves to others. And so we often forget that everyone has their own unique journey, and struggles and most importantly, how much hard work they've put into it, but not being demonstrated in social media. So you would usually see more of where they've got to. It's like you see the tip of the iceberg, but you don't see what's underneath, which is the years and years of hard work, years and years of practise failures, learning from mistakes, and because we're getting one way or another into a hyperconnected world. Comparison is becoming an even bigger obstacle to feeling good enough. 

Mike 

I think that also in the advertisement world and in general, I think social media introduced greater focus on experiences rather than products as in the past, the advertising world was focused on selling products more than what you can achieve with the product now the focus is greater on experiences. So when you look at the advent of the car, there's hardly any cars in it. It's just the idea, the matrix that you're sort of going to jump into as soon as you get certain car. It's the same with even the simplest interaction with any social media. So you look at the idea of more to do with experiences that the world around you want you to join, to participate rather than things that you can put your hands on. It's like with cinema, there was an old joke that says that how do you sell something for nothing? You send people to the cinema because you don't get any product, but you spend money. You just get to see it, but you don't get anything in return. Apart from the experience of seeing the movie. But actually you pay for nothing. 

Yuen 

But then the experience and the emotions. That's why, like you said, it might be more than just products. Now, because feelings or desire for those feelings can drive more buying behaviour or buying power. 

Mike 

Is it because we had enough of things and now we want to focus on living in the world of ideas? Is it because we are oversaturated with the mundane nature of our lives that we reach for living in the matrix. 

Yuen 

I think there are different elements of it. I think the one we talked about this in our previous episode about feeling quite, even though hyperconnected more people are feeling lonelier. And so, any emotions or anything that triggers heart strings is a feeling. At least I'm feeling something and not feeling numb. The other part is evolution. We as human would always want more because if this happened in the start of evolution, we go, oh, we're quite happy here and we'll settle here and not look for a better place, better land, better crop, then the chances of life. Yes, the chance of likelihood will be less. 

Mike 

Better hunting, better gathering. 

Yuen 

And so there's always an element of I need more. I need more and maybe there's also an element or a misconception of when I have more I'll be happier.  

Mike 

Better and I'll. So that's greed. Does greedy equal progress? 

Yuen 

I think it depends on how you define greed, but the mindset of not enough ever can be one of the challenges. 

Mike 

But this is what we're talking about in the podcast. We want to grow, get better. And is it that we can't find ourselves the way to progress in the Land of Happy Me means that we reach out. Or is it that we just cannot protect ourselves or defend our world from the influence from the elsewhere that's making us a bit discombobulated? 

Yuen 

I think we shouldn't forget about the internal narrative and we talked about it previously. Because it often reinforces in the negative self-image or an inner critic that is kinder to others and less so to you and that inner critic can be relentless, constantly reminding us of our shortcomings or mistakes and what people think. And it takes significant effort to reframe and challenge those negative thoughts and so. You talked about ways to manage it. I think it requires a proactive approach and one that we talked about countless times is self-compassion and self-care. Because yes, you can go: I might want something. But there is a difference between I want something or I might want it, or if I don't have it, I won't be happy. And that's the difference in those I want more. But I will get there or I want more because I'm currently not happy enough or not good enough. 

Mike 

So is it vanity that makes us want more? Because I tell you what I'm thinking about vanity. Because for those listeners who stay with us for a little bit longer, know that I quite got into bikes and riding mountain  bikes and I've seen this little video about. Getting new and more bikes cause for bikers. It's a bit like for guitarists. OK, the correct number of bikes or guitars that we need to have is n + 1. There's always we want to have one more and I've seen a guy saying that if you say that you need another bike it's a misconception because you don't need another bike, you don't need it to be better, you don't need it, you want it. So there is a bit of vanity in it. There is bit of just dwelling onto your sort of ideal world of what it would look like if you had one more bike, different bike for different task. You can ride any bike and be perfectly happy with it, but some people choose to have another one. And I think this realisation that you change your perception that you instead of you need it, you want it helps you understand better what is your attitude to it. 

Yuen 

I would say vanity, I see that I see that as an overgeneralisation of it. Because we're talking from a range of things, from more superficial possessions, perhaps to more in-depth skills, because you might want to be, I don't know, person XY and Z because they earn more, or because they are more skillful. And so I think the drive for those things can be different. But the difference in the intention on why you want that in the first place. 

Mike 

Unless you are. Unless you are a pro or or somebody who really makes a living out of it and it's not your particular way of spending your free time. Those marginal gains that you're going to get after getting on a bike, a lighter bike, or a more capable bike, you know, there's at some point you get diminishing returns of what those new things provide to. 

Yuen 

You, but I guess then. When you say returned, did the returns for different people varies. 

Mike 

Mean different things. Yeah, I agree. Yes, you're right. 

Yuen 

And it it's not just about the time, is it? It might be the happiness that they have when they're riding the bike. It might be the sense of accomplishment that they have. And it might be a Domino's effect, because if you feel quite fulfilled in doing that, that might kick start your day better. You might be starting the day in a different mood. So yeah, I wouldn't say that as an end point because there are so many different perspective to it. 

Mike 

I'm talking to you in that respect from a perception of somebody who just bought a new mic. OK for the podcast that probably wasn't that necessary, but we decided to, well, I kind of decided that this is something that I always wanted and I'm fulfilling my dream. So I get I get your point. Absolutely as well. That's, you know, I'm not negating it. There's absolutely nothing in it, but I want to go back to the comparison because we mentioned it briefly in the beginning and I think it's a very important point that we need to focus on. How does feeling a personal feeling on how we are? How does it relate to comparing ourselves to others and comparing ourselves to us minus those experiences that we see around us? 

Yuen 

So, two things that comes to mind when you say that one is a sense of self-worth. Because I find that if you don't have a strong sense of who you are, what are your values, your purpose in life very easily, that can be defined by others because you haven't set up clear rules for yourself. If you don't know you, then follow other people's rule. And when you do that, you don't set healthy boundaries and you don't prioritise your well-being because you get sucked in in those toxic, I guess, situations or societal pressures which then undermine your self-esteem and this is on top of your own inner critic as well. The other thing is talking about inner critic, Resilience is extremely crucial. Because we are human, after all, we will make mistakes, we'll have setbacks and we need to recognise that failures are a part of life and we get stronger by dealing with that and when we learn to reframe those challenges as opportunity for growth, then we foster a different mindset that helps us combat that feeling of not being good enough or not feeling that I'm good enough. 

Mike 

And here's the thing, the world tells us you're not good enough unless you go on this holiday. The world tells us you're not good enough, unless you, drink that particular product, not another, the world tells us that you're not good enough. If you're I don't know outdo yourself in one or many other ways. 

Yuen 

What do you mean by that? 

Mike 

You're trying to outdo yourself by getting experiences that are meant to, I don't know, allow us to brag amongst other people, allow us to make us feel better in comparison to others because you've achieved something with the culture of, I don’t know, people who are all over YouTube, Instagram and looking all pretty and glamorous. We don't really see the real lives. We just see the products that they promote. We see the lifestyle that they apparently are part of, but that does not necessarily mean that it's all real. So where do we stand? How do we not protect ourselves? But how? How do we set our own purpose to be different to others, to break the cycle of comparison with others? We discussed in the past comparison that is best to compare yourself to yourself from, I don't know, a month, few months or few years ago to see how you've grown since and looking at, say, I don't know Internet influencers, actors. 

Yuen 

Even people at. 

Mike 

Even people at work. Yeah, that sort of makes us feel inadequate in comparison to them. How do we break the cycle? 

Yuen 

What I found has been extremely helpful for me. Is first of all having some break from social media, especially when I realise when I get stuck in that mindset. Sometimes when I'm in a better frame of mind I have better resilience to that and sometimes I don't. But what I've found has been extremely helpful is self-reflection because by doing that I'm able to acknowledge my strengths. My accomplishments or like you said, my own progress where I am now in zoom out to how far I've come and that tends to give me some perspective. The other thing is gratitude, or the practise of gratitude because I then, one way or another, make a new neural pathway in my brain where I learn to shift the focus away from what I lack and what I don't have. And cultivate a sense of gratitude for what I do have now. 

Mike 

This is very powerful. I mean being grateful for what we have experienced so far, what we have achieved so far. Allows us to realign the purpose of why we are actually doing things. Let's face it, we don't need to have the latest, I don't know, car, the latest, whatever clothes. I don't know what is on top of the pops at the minute for young people to drive them then you. Like just designer trainers. To make us happy, we sometimes choose to go for it, and as long as we can stay within that controlling where we decide on what is good for us, that is still allowing us to maintain like a level head. I think that being self-compassionate, looking after ourselves and realising what actually decides about our well-being is more important than all the influences we can have from outside. How do you feel young people now who are, well, much more entrenched within electronic world, shall we call it broadly? Do they have enough point of reference to realise that for everyday life you don't really need all the things you see around yourself? 

Yuen 

I think that's where boundaries came in previously when you were in school and you see a friend. And then you can step out. Doesn't matter how hard school is, was, you're able to step out because you go home and you meet other friends. 

Mike 

But the school is very strong with comparison as well. Because you do, you know, want to outdo your friends to some extent. 

Yuen 

Yeah, and and now in school, even though. You finished school for the day. You still have people on the phone, on social media, and whatever impacts that have, you almost don't have a break from it at all. And so whatever that is happening will be amplified without a break. 

Mike 

Would you say that in that context, curating the media that you are surrounded curating in terms of, like choosing selves that? That make you richer, cause there is a lot of good things online, there's a lot of good things in social media as well. Do you think that we should be more careful with what adds to benefit to our purpose rather than being like a junkyard for everything that we come across that is either funny or entertaining? Or should there be a balance? Is there a solution here for everyone? I guess everybody is different. But I think that there's got to be a moment where our brain can say, well, that's too much of the good thing. 

Yuen 

I wouldn't say your brain will say that, I would say you need to set boundaries to say that. 

Mike 

Would you say that it is good to seek feedback from others? I mean, for kids it's relatively easy, although they don't do it. 

Yuen 

We're talking about feedback all of a sudden. 

Mike 

I'm talking about seeking feedback from others who say right do you think that I am surrounded by the lululand or do you think I should use less of a social media or less certain content in a social media? 

Yuen 

I think that is hard to do because the fact that you asked that question means you have that awareness and a lot of the time when you don't have the awareness, that's where the problem happens. 

Mike 

I guess yeah, you're right. 

Yuen 

I think it's important to understand that feeling good enough is a journey. And it requires consistent effort and self-compassion and you will have better days and you will have worse days. And remember, you are worthy, just as you are not because you're more productive today, not because you've helped one extra person today. You are great just as you are. And there is no need to compare yourself to others high like reels because you don't know what's happening. Behind that. 

Mike 

So just to wrap it up, we are good enough all of us. All of you, everybody is good enough and we can be happy with how we are just like that. We are happy by providing help to others by supporting our purpose, whatever the purpose is. Whatever realigns with it, we need to understand that experiences are very good to enrich us and they provide very often a lot of entertainment and fun, and that's absolutely great. We just need to make sure that we choose experiences that realign with our values, with our core understanding of the world and not to oversaturate ourselves with those that can be detrimental, that in the longer distance can cause depression, anxiety and increased risk of comparison with others. 

Yuen 

Yeah. And I think we are in a world now where it's more so needed than ever to continue to support and uplift each other so that we can embrace individuality, self-worth and be inclusive of everybody, because doesn't matter how glamorous or how one looks, people always have difficult times or moments, and so a kind word, a kind gesture means a lot. 

Mike 

Everybody has the long journey and I hope that you can enjoy yours. Not necessarily influenced by the world around you. Thank you very much for spending this fourth season of the Imperfect Clinician podcast. We hope you're going to join us in the New Year for Season 5. Thank you very much for staying with us and join us next time. Thank you very much. Bye bye. 

Yuen 

The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups and this is a book by Daniel Coyle. The Culture Code focuses on three things that are necessary to build highly successful groups, and those three are safety, vulnerability and purpose. Groups like this enable team to perform far beyond the sum of individual capabilities and has to start with you, your behaviour, your team and your organisation. There are lots of books that explore culture in the team and leadership in general. This is one of them and I think when you've read quite a lot of them, it might feel quite repetitive. However, if it's a first foray for you into exploring cultures, this book will be an interesting read. We'll see you for the next season. Thank you. 

Mike 

Thank you for listening to the Imperfect Clinician podcast. 

Yuen 

Grow and learn with us using our experience and flaws, just like we'd learn every day about ourselves. The best way to support us is to hit that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for your participation in our socials. We take to heart the ratings, reviews and comments. 

Mike 

The best way we can repay you is by making this podcast better and by reaching and inspiring more people like you, like us. Until next time you.