Do I need everyone in my life

We have so many people around us.
Have you ever paused and think,
do I need everyone in my life?
Why do you hang on to relationships?
That is not beneficial for either of you.
What are you afraid of?
My name is Mike.
And it's Yuen.
Welcome to The Imperfect Clinician.
Do I need everyone in my life?
Do I need everyone in my life?
We decided to put the episode title like this
because we're talking about the relationships
with people around us, with our families
or our romantic relationships.
And our work relationships.
And work relationships, yeah.
And we were thinking about the fact that,
well, actually, maybe we have to go a little bit more radical
and think about things that are stopping us
from achieving our own personal excellence,
things that are like blocks in ensuring that we can flourish.
And some of those blocks are within ourselves,
but they're other people.
And we decided to have a little think about
what relationships with others can teach us about ourselves,
about our attitude towards them.
Because actually, do we need everybody in our lives?
And how to assess it, like you said,
because by doing so, we will understand
why are we reluctant to do this.
So if we decide that perhaps having somebody in our life
that is negatively affecting us,
why are we still reluctant to remove that relationship
or reduce that?
And I think more importantly, what are the fears?
I think for me, it's just going back
before we addressed the fears and everything.
When I was thinking about this,
it's just a lesson for me about myself
in terms of when do I say no more,
when do I say that's it,
I've reached my capacity of cooperation,
of interaction with a particular person.
And I think that, yes, it's very easy to blame others
for what's wrong in our lives.
And I think the big art of working on ourselves
is trying to refrain from blaming others for our misgivings.
And the true value in it is not just to cut people off
because we feel that they are not affecting us.
It's just trying to identify those
that have got negative impact
despite us being insightful, caring,
and working on ourselves.
I don't know whether you know what I'm trying to say.
I know where you're coming from,
but for me, those steps come a bit later
because I need to understand
what is the purpose of me keeping the relationship.
How does that relationship serve me?
And I need to understand
if I knew that I feel bad
or put down after each interaction,
why do I always go back to this conversation?
Why do I always go back to this interaction?
And the only way for me to find out
is to understand what's the driver
and what are the fears
before I can decide what is my next step.
Because if I can't address those fears,
then even if I really wanted to stop this relationship,
I am not able to because the fear is still in the driver's seat.
Okay, so how do we assess?
How do we assess ourselves
when we reach the boiling point?
And how do we identify the toxicity of others?
Should we start with identifying toxicity?
Yeah, I think so.
I think for me, a few, I guess, qualities come to mind.
So people who don't value you,
people who always put you down,
people who are negative all the time
to the extent that they are affecting your mental health.
So these are the three qualities that popped up in my mind first.
What about yours?
I agree with what you said.
I think that I would define toxicity of a person towards myself, obviously.
And we're not judging people
in terms of what they are and how they are to everybody else.
We're just saying what is our perception.
For me, toxicity is somebody who reaches beyond what is acceptable for us
in the behaviour of another person.
So I would say when we judge others,
because we always do, no matter how non-judgmentally we want to be,
we always judge others.
We often judge others through our own sort of prism in a way.
And I think that when you are, say, for example,
I am not going to hurt the dog,
and the person comes and they hurt the dog,
that's a clear boundary for us to say,
right, this is not right, this is toxic.
This may be an extreme example because we don't want people to hurt any animals.
Is it not, then, understanding what your values are against somebody else?
Because I wouldn't call it judging.
It's understanding what are your triggers and what are your boundaries
and then clearly communicating it with the other person
and then see what's the outcome.
But on the other hand, we don't want people to be exactly like us
because they then bring limited amount of value to our lives anyway.
We want people to be different.
I agree. So when you have diversity amongst everywhere,
social circle, work, life,
it increases your perspective and make you more aware of things around you.
I agree.
But the clear, I think the important difference, I guess, in this case
is you are able to communicate clearly what's okay and what's not okay for you
and for the other person's behaviour to reflect that.
And the same way for the other person.
So what's okay and not okay for them is clearly communicated to you as a friend
or whether it's a family member or a work colleague.
You know, like we were talking before about deciding with our feelings.
Is this a decision that we come to agreement that somebody has got a toxic influence on you?
Is it decision of your head or of your feelings, of your heart?
I want to say it should be both.
So perhaps the first reaction came emotionally.
But after that, the stating the boundaries need to come through the head
because you have to clearly state that what you say, what you've done is not okay for me.
And this is my expectation.
And then with repeated, this is excluding verbal abuse or physical abuse.
We're talking about relationship, social circle.
Yeah, but it can include those as well.
Of course it can.
But what I'm trying to say is the clearly communicating that is provided you're not in danger.
I think our brain has got greater capacity to explain certain things.
Even if somebody has got the negative impact, we are often trying to find fault in ourselves.
What we are, I don't know what our interaction with others is,
so that let's call them the bully, is trying to get into us in a way.
So I think that for me, it's more of a reaction of the heart when we say, right, this is it.
I've reached the boiling point.
Yeah.
And perhaps the person that say that it can be, let's say a comment about weight or height,
the things that you have less control over, is in line with what society is saying.
So let's say if I give an example of a family member will always comment on weight,
that you are heavier than usual or in comparison to X, Y, and Z.
Even though this is part of the culture, this is, I want to say 90% of the conversation
when you step into a culture like this, clearly stating that, first of all, that's not okay.
This is something that I'm working on.
For example, this really hurt my feelings, so I wouldn't want you to comment on it going forward.
And also, if I come with my family, children involved, I do not want you to comment on physical side of things.
Yes, comment on the behaviour, the kindness, the generosity, but not the physical side of things.
Okay.
But you're talking about certain aspects of another person that you may not like,
and then you are setting the boundaries for right.
I don't want you to do it.
I want you to stop behaving that way.
So is this a making ground in the future for realising, right, I need to cut it off
because it's dragging me down?
Or do we take the person as a whole and say, right, just being around that person
increases the level of anxiety, fear, all sorts of those feelings that doesn't allow you to flourish?
I think it depends on how open the other person is to feedback.
I think it affects how much you feel about...
Yes, and how much impact it has on you.
Because if this is a person that goes after hearing your feedback,
because you don't say the other person wouldn't know,
it's not the other person's responsibility to know what you're thinking.
You have to very clearly state that, that's the first.
After repeated attempt to explain that I don't want this to happen,
I don't want you to say that, then the next step, I guess, can be a little bit different
with family members and friends.
So if you have a family member, it's harder to completely cut them out.
It is possible, but less likely so, especially if it's somebody that you're very close with.
And perhaps similar with friends.
It depends on how much distance, by that I mean physical and emotional distance
that you can put between you and that person that inflicts harm.
Because after the conversation of you saying all of that,
it's very clear how much impact it has on you.
So if the other person is still doing that repeatedly,
it might mean, first of all, they have their own baggage to sort out.
It might mean that they're doing it because they're trying to feel better about themselves
by putting you down.
It's a whole variety of reasons,
but if they're not in a place to support and to respect my boundaries,
then this is somebody that I will take time and conscious effort to move away from.
And if it's a family member that I go back and see, I don't know, very infrequently,
each interaction before I see them will be very, very clearly repeating my boundaries.
And if the boundaries are not respected when I'm there, when the children are there,
I will call it out.
I will say it in front of that person, in front of everybody else or in private.
Similar to what we said about giving feedback.
This is not okay.
This is what I've said very clearly.
If you're not able to do that, I would prefer you not to comment at all.
This is like an extreme feedback.
Yeah, but if it's repeated...
What if you are scared of setting those boundaries, or you don't know how to,
and you still need to do something to cut yourself off from that particular person?
Because it's not always easy to stand up for yourself in front of somebody who is being,
let's call it unkind to you, who's bullying you.
So how do you make a decision that you're going to separate ways with the person in question?
Yeah, I want to say a lot of it has to be all the work that we've mentioned in season one
about the work that we put in ourselves.
So before all of that, I would not have the courage to say to an older relative,
understanding that Chinese culture, respecting elderly is a big thing, to say that it's not okay.
I do not want you to say that.
And then repeatedly calling this behaviour out, either in front of the person who's older than me,
or in front of other people, if that happens.
Yeah, because to some extent, there are some relationships that are very difficult to mix yourself out of.
Exactly. And the other thing I also want to mention that I feel is really important to me
is when those unkind words are being spoken to and I don't stand up for it,
what sort of behaviour am I modelling for my children?
Because this will happen in school, this will happen in their social life,
they will see it happening to somebody else.
What I do models a behaviour for the children.
That requires quite a lot of courage and making sure that you overcome the anxiety
of being around people who are dragging you down.
And I agree, you need to do quite a lot of work on yourself to realise your position,
to do a little bit of reflection on yourself in order to start the conversation.
Because sometimes you can leave things like an open chapter and maybe misunderstood in a way, I don't know.
But I think you need to work on yourself in order to present yourself towards another person that,
right, this is not right, we're off, we have nothing else to talk about.
Yeah, and when I mention this in less elaborate terms,
but essentially when I was counselling one of my patients who has anxiety
and who has trouble saying no to people around her that is taking advantage of her,
it wasn't me telling her to say no, it was me providing her with the perspective of
if you say yes to somebody, you say no to yourself.
Because yes, it's hard to say no to other people, but you are essentially saying no to yourself.
You're denying yourself an opportunity to either do something for yourself or opportunity for growth.
Yeah, and when I followed this patient up afterwards, I didn't give her any medication, it was more counselling.
She said she felt so much better because in some ways there are different ways of saying no
and there are for my patient easier way of saying no, for example, not replying to text at all.
And that's her way of saying no because actually writing no is harder.
And then with time she built the confidence to say no, I'm not going to do that.
This is my space, they are.
Yes, exactly.
But that's why I'm saying it doesn't have to be standing out.
It's scary regardless of which level that you are doing it, even refusing to reply a text.
For example, that can be anxiety inducing too.
However, my patient took a more gradual way of saying no and slowly built the practice of saying no
and then experiencing how she feels after that, the empowerment.
And so these steps made her realise by saying one or two no's, how does she feel after that,
how she would have felt if she said yes, and then the guilt and the blame that comes with herself afterwards.
And then after that, it was much easier for her to keep saying no.
I could do with a bit of your advice when I was a teenager.
I remember I was in a relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend in high school.
And probably some of my friends still remember how impacted, you know,
when you were young, you are usually going into relationships like all in.
Of course.
And you don't know.
You don't have a filter.
You don't have a filter, that's one thing.
You don't have the experience and you don't know what it should be like,
especially in my case that was I used to go out with this girl who was a bit older than me.
I want to say that she was two or three years older than me.
But you know, it matters when you're like 15 or 16.
And obviously the relationship was going nowhere and we weren't together for a very long time.
But at some stage, what started happening is she was starting to, well, terrorize me is one word for it,
because she didn't want to split up and I couldn't see it going anywhere.
We were completely different people.
But because of the, I don't know, teenager's fire, I believe, I don't know, for lack of better words,
yeah, hormonal, she threatened and she also showed me, for example, that she overdosed on medication
because she wanted somebody to stay with me.
It's either me or no one.
And if someone puts you in a position like this, it is a bit of a red flag.
Of course.
You know, if you all of a sudden being, I don't know, 15 or maybe 16, have somebody else's life to allegedly,
you know, at a time you don't know because you don't have that experience.
I mean, she was taking hydroxyzine.
I mean, you tell me how easy it is to kill yourself with hydroxyzine, okay?
Just by the way, it is a medication that it's really, really hard to harm yourself.
But as a, you know, mild sedative, I guess, or antihistamine used for sedation might give you the impression that,
yes, somebody's, you know, taking pills to hurt themselves because of me.
And it makes me guilty of it, you know, to prevent me breaking up with them.
And yeah, it was quite traumatic for a young person to be in a relationship that was threatened to, you know, write,
stay with me because I'm going to kill myself.
If you're so young and you don't quite know what to expect from your relationship, I guess,
you assume that things can go all the way, I guess, and it is very hard to recover.
And you're scared because obviously you don't want to hurt anybody.
Obviously you are aware that, you know, relationships come and go, especially if you're 15 or 16.
And very rarely those relationships last.
I mean, I wish people to last, you know, first relationship to last until the day they die.
Well, I'll be in this situation.
Well, you know, some people do feel better that way.
You know, you have those love heart stories and, you know, that's not me.
I think it's good in your life in a relationship to get burned.
I agree.
And I think that's a topic for another episode.
Yeah.
But this is what really got me thinking.
I think for the first time where you need to physically separate yourself from others with the help of, I don't know, your friends, family as well.
But, you know, you don't really want to involve your family too much.
You feel like you want to sort it out yourself because then it would put you in a not a very good light.
So, you know, you feel like, right, what do I do?
You're stuck between, you know, the hard place and what's the saying.
Hmm.
So I wanted to, you know, when we talk about boundaries, I think that's really important.
But I also want, like you said earlier on, not to judge.
And we talked about assume best intentions.
I wanted to share some experiences and perhaps going about it with a very clear purpose in terms of the conversation.
Because I think it's really important to let the other party know how the feedback or what they're saying, mostly verbal, are affecting you.
So for example, if I've got a new job and then this friend is talking about how I'm probably going to hate this job.
Maybe this friend is doing it thinking that I'm actually doing you a favor, but not realizing it's not helping with my situation because perhaps I'm already quite worried about it.
Perhaps I already have, I've been thinking a lot of what's the worst case scenario and what I needed from the friend will support and not the other way around.
So if this is not something that you have in your regular relationship, which I would strongly recommend, I tend to say this at the start with any conversation with Mike.
I would say, I need you to support me or I need you to listen or I'm just ranting.
I don't need you to give me advice or I need your sounding board.
I need you to poke holes in everything that I'm saying.
I think it's very helpful to set that clear expectation, what you want out of the conversation.
And I think it's quite helpful for the other party.
Would you agree?
I think it is essential to know what you're talking about and what is the purpose of it.
It's sometimes very hard to do.
And sometimes we use all sorts of shortcuts to because there's no time, you can't make yourself clear or you don't know where it's going.
You don't know where your head particularly is located.
Sometimes it is hard to do and I think life would be easier if we knew how to set those boundaries for the agenda agenda for the conversation.
Because the thing is, if you are prepared to discuss certain things, because that's what you want to focus on, who am I to change this?
If there's something bothering you and we're not talking about casual conversation, there's something that's bothering you and you want to do something about it to either unload or find solution or whatever it is.
And in this situation where my friend is thinking they're helping me, I think it's helpful to set boundaries.
So if you haven't set the expectation very clearly at the start of the conversation, then use this opportunity to set boundaries.
Something along the line of I know there might be things that you are concerned about for me, but it's not helpful for me to hear them right now.
It will be helpful to hear some positive things.
So I feel that when I say that, I'm taking into account that they're coming from the best of intention.
So they want to in some way prepare me for the worst case scenario, but not knowing what I actually need from them right now.
And so how does it feel for you? If I were to say that to you, how would you react?
I think when we're talking about people who are toxic for you, they're usually people who know better than you and people who want to do things for you.
But go back to the assumed best intention. So I'm assuming they're doing that because they think it's helpful for you.
So if you think that was helpful for me and you tell me worst case scenario for the new job, and I tell you very clearly, I know you're worried about me.
I know you want to prepare me for it, but it's not helpful for me right now because I'm feeling worried.
I need to hear some positive things from you.
Do you think that's clear in terms of what I need from you?
If you make it clear, then yes. But sometimes what you think will not be relevant or very interesting to people who are not interested in your agenda, in your idea of the conversation, for example.
Yeah. And if that's the case, it's more of a one-sided relationship or one-sided effort with the toxic relationship because it's toxic for both sides.
I mean, not every conversation is toxic and not every situation is toxic.
Do you think that it becomes toxic when it's continuous or a repeated manner?
Yes.
You are seeking, I don't know, some kind of a support in another person, but what you're getting is the same sort of story of, I don't know, denial, I guess, I don't know, of judgment.
Yeah, because I think when I'm being told about a situation, I find reacting emotionally doesn't really help.
And in some cases, it seems like I'm feeding into the emotions.
I'm feeding into the situations with emotions.
And some personality found that it actually causes dependency on the reaction, which is quite unhealthy.
That's unhealthy, yeah.
And so being a voice of reason and a calming friend has more of a positive ripple effect for both parties.
Because if you start to feed into that and start to get angry alongside the other person, it's not relaxing anyone.
You're right. You're right.
Do you think it's the people who you want to have an impact on your life or who have, they can hurt you most?
What do you mean?
Like people who you're expecting to be supportive and they sort of lure you into this false idea of safety, of emotional safety around them that then gets you used in a way?
Sometimes I might say, or I might try my best to offer compassion, but not at the expense of me.
So for example, I can see, I might say, I can see that you're in pain, but I'm most helpful if I don't feed into it.
And so I can listen compassionately for a short while, but focus on something positive that comes out of that situation.
Because there's always silver lining in any situation.
I guess, even if there is just a learning opportunity.
Yeah. And even if that might only mean that you learn more about yourself, I think that's a great learning opportunity.
But yeah, but identifying it sometimes can be quite tricky.
It is. And do you remember when I say at the start, I think it's really important to ask why.
What am I getting out of this relationship with negative people?
Is it because I want to feel needed?
So they come to me with problems each time, even though it drains everything out of me and I don't seem to be helping them anyway?
Or is it because we can all moan about the same thing, almost like a fake sense of belonging?
Or is it a fear of change?
Well, what if I slowly reduce this time spent with this person that is really dragging me down with all the assumed best intention and all the boundary setting?
I'm still not getting anywhere.
Am I scared of changing because if I say no, that's it, that's the end of the line?
Or is it maybe because I care about what other people think?
What if I then say no?
What are they going to think of me?
Especially if you're used to a model of people pleasing, worrying about how people view you can be like knee-jerk reaction.
So when you are considering another person in general, should we look out for the red flags and what those red flags would be?
Because for me, let me start with what I mean.
For me, a red flag is somebody trying to get influence over you.
It means that…
When you say influence over, what do you mean?
Well, what I mean is somebody's trying to overwhelm your idea of a situation or relationship.
For somebody to gain influence over me, meaning that they take an initiative out of my hand in a way of understanding the situation, probably.
It means that somebody is trying to…
Because if somebody is gaining influence over you, that takes away your independence.
Can you give me an example that can help me better understand this?
Well, for example, one of the things that I mentioned in the past was not very easy and not always beneficial for my relationship with my dad.
And there was plenty of situations that I should have said no.
I should have set the boundaries clearer.
But the overwhelming influence that my dad had over not only my life but also my sister and my mom prevented me from doing so.
I couldn't see where my saying no would benefit any of us.
So it is like a self-preservation mechanism at that point to say yes to whatever was the question.
Because no would have a negative repercussion towards me.
But that is abuse.
Yes. I mean, that's the thing.
But it's very hard to say no when you are dependent on a person.
And this is my regret, you know, from…
But there's so much factor in it, like you said.
And this is blackmail in some ways, financial blackmail, emotional blackmail, and everything else.
And I think what I wanted people to understand, we are not talking about extreme conditions like these because these need professional help and perhaps more than one.
Because it's affecting the whole family.
If it's domestic abuse, financial abuse, that you need to seek help.
It can't be only you.
That's why I wasn't sure whether you want to put this in.
Because it's more than that.
Maybe it is a good idea because some people are having the same issues.
But if that is not just toxic anymore, it's traumatic, it's repetitive, it's got so much element tied into it.
Not just your life, but people that you care about.
And one person yielding so much power.
I mean financial power and emotional power with verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and financial abuse.
That is a whole different kettle of fish.
But we still have, I think we still should talk about it.
Okay.
If you're happy to talk about it, I'm happy to continue.
Because ultimately that is your choice to be open and public about abuse.
Which is not something that you were okay to talk about before.
Maybe it's time.
Okay.
And so if it's that, even with all the work that you've done, this is a web that's intertwined for years.
It's not something that is, I don't know, five years, 10 years, you're almost conditioned from birth to now.
And you're fighting all the conditioning and a lot of things that is out of your control, like your mom and your sister.
And you take the burden of the whole world on your shoulders.
Exactly.
And so I want to say, if any of you listening are in that situation, ask for help, professional help.
Friends, you'll need a support network.
This cannot be done alone because your decision doesn't only impact you.
If you can say no, good for you, go ahead.
And these are the decisions, these are the situations that impact you for many years to come.
Of course.
And it most likely affects me now, you know.
Of course.
And all the future relationships in a way.
And for me, a bit of saying no, in a way, was to move out to a different country.
And that's your only way of gaining control.
Yeah, because then you start to gain control over those small things around you.
Okay.
Like, I don't know, money, job, and, you know, what you do with your life to provide subsistence.
Yeah.
That's the word.
But also it allows you to gain the space to, of course, the contacts have not, you know, finished over, you know, just moving away.
But it had enough weight to it that I understood what position I was.
And if I carried on, that would have very, or even more serious, I don't know, mental health consequences for me.
Of course.
So this was a beneficial, you know, of course, the decision to move to a different country, for example, is multifactorial.
I mean, there is plenty of other different things why I wanted to do it.
But then this was one of the ways out for me to make a decision without being brave enough to make a decision.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah.
And this was a difficult thing to come to terms with, I guess.
You know, my dad passed away and I never had the opportunity to do certain things that I would be able to do now.
Would I be able to do it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
It's difficult to sometimes make this call.
It's difficult to decide that, right, I do not need my dad in my life.
It is difficult.
It is very difficult.
And I don't know how I would have proceeded.
I think I would have in my family and my family meaning you and the girls and readjusting the focus in life
and also having that sort of brain space and the support would allow me to set the boundaries in a different way.
Never had a chance to do it.
But I feel like I don't need to do it anymore.
And I think the biggest thing for you today is actually accepting that.
There are three things when I was reading or listening to a while ago.
I can't remember what it was, but there was three things that you can do to make yourself happy when there is something adverse coming your way.
First, you have to answer a question, is it true?
If it's not true, don't bother.
It shouldn't occupy your head.
When you say, is it true, what the other person is saying is true or not?
Yeah.
Whatever comes your way, somebody being negative about something or there is somebody says, makes a statement about you, for example, right, you're a stupid person.
Is it true?
No.
Stop worrying about it, okay?
If it is true, the next step is, can I do anything about it?
Yeah, to see whether it's within control or out of control.
To see it's within the control.
And the third part of this happiness in that respect is the acceptance.
And it is a master level because it does take some work very often on yourself to accept what cannot be undone, something that you cannot have impact on.
And I think if any adversity comes our way, if we answer those three questions, if we follow those three steps, so is it true?
Can I do something about it and accept it?
It will make us happier.
I want to say there are potential faults within the three questions.
The first one is, is it true?
I think when you are, if we go back to the extreme conditions, when you're being told, when you're being put down consistently, over time you believe that.
Because as we said, when you hear it enough, that becomes your inner voice.
So that becomes true, even though it isn't.
It's because your perspective has been coloured by somebody who's constantly doing the emotional blackmailing.
The second part is whether within control and out of control, if it's something like taking away independence from you financially or cutting out friends, cutting out family, essentially it's taking away control and taking away power from you and removing all of that.
Exactly.
And so in an extreme condition, or in your case, I don't think that three questions model apply.
I think they are valid now.
They're valid now.
After you've done the work on yourself, after you've reflected it.
So is it not, have you accepted it?
Is it the first thing to fully have the courage to accept this fact?
To accept, you have to first realise what you're accepting, what you are reflecting on.
And I think that this comes from the work you put in on yourself to try to understand your position, where you are and where you need to be.
Re-ignite or find purpose and follow your little route to happiness in a way.
And that allows you to be more open towards acceptance.
Would you agree with that?
Yeah, I think if you find what's important for you, especially after understanding yourself and doing the inner work, you'll have the grounded confidence to slowly have the awareness and the acceptance, definitely.
And I think we all, myself, definitely have wished, you know, whether it's a parent, a sibling, friend or partner can be more positive.
And if someone within the circle is constantly feeling bad, I want to help.
And I want that person to be happy because that might equate to my self-worth because that's my contribution.
I've always been the one who take away worries.
I've always been that if you define your role as that, it's very hard to step out of it.
So you have to break it.
And sometime, like you said, when you get to the acceptance stage is realizing the best I can do is to accept someone as they are and let that person know that I believe in the innate ability to be happy.
For that person to actually find it and give them space.
And by giving that person space, I'm also giving myself space to rebound, to recover.
Because I'm sure when I am constantly the problem solver or taking on all the negative emotions, I'll feel drained too.
And I need the space to recharge my batteries.
I guess at the end of the day, it's me understanding that I love someone, but at the same time, I need to love myself to take care of my needs.
This is a very big thing to understand, to love yourself in order to love others.
Yeah, and a lot of the times that is quite difficult to do, especially the action is equate to self-worth.
And so if self-worth is equal to productivity or what you do, if you don't do them, you almost, hence the fear, are so scared of your inability to be loved.
There are situations where we decide to part ways with another person.
And usually these are people that have got quite strong impact on our lives and on the shaping of our world, because they're usually quite big decisions.
And now the person is gone. We manage to one way or another part ways, cut off, move away, reduce interaction.
That person is missing. How do we grieve for those people?
I guess, first of all, understanding that it's normal to experience grief, even though you are removing a negative influence or a toxic relationship.
Because you accept that they're not able to provide you with what you need.
And perhaps you're grieving for the loss of relationship that you imagined you were going to have with that person.
So you're grieving the idea, not the reality.
The idea, you're absolutely spot on here. You're grieving the idea, not the reality.
And it is a new situation.
It is.
And as such, you need to get used to it.
And you need to do some work on making sure that you fulfill that gap in your life.
Or do you leave the gap?
I wouldn't fill the gap so quickly.
It's just because I feel the most important thing is to sit in with the pain, with the grief, and understand where that coming from.
It's no different when you broke up and sometimes you think, oh, what would have, should have.
That would be grieving the idea and what you think.
And the reality, it might be completely different.
Most of the time it is.
It's understanding when you're grieving that idea, you're grieving that feeling.
So I miss that feeling of being needed.
I miss, what is it?
What is it that makes you feel the heartache?
And by doing that, when you understand yourself better, you go, right, this is why.
And sit with the pain and with time, the pain gets more manageable.
You learn to adapt just with any grief, with any pain.
And when you understand yourself better, the next step that you do before you rush to fill the gap would be a more conscious step,
would be something that you do with more reflection instead of rushing to it.
Yeah, because the situation forces you to learn from it.
And when you learn, you fulfil the void in a more conscious way.
Yep.
And I guess when we say that, we talk a lot about, you know, personal relationships,
but it's unavoidable that something like this might happen at work.
Oh, it's very, very often that we feel like people that we work with or sometimes the whole organisations are a bit against us.
Yeah.
But especially this impact is the greatest by your managers, supervisors, whoever has the most direct impact on what you're doing at work.
Yeah.
There is this Work Institute 2020 retention report that states that employees who quit due to manager behaviour cite reasons such as employees' treatment, fairness and communication.
I remember there was a study that said a lot of the times people don't leave jobs, they leave because of managers.
They leave people.
They leave people, exactly.
Very often people enjoy the work or would have enjoyed the work should the opportunities to have a safe workplace and this area of belonging in the work would allow them to continue and flourish.
But it's often spoiled by people.
And do you think in work the same principles apply with what we talked about?
Well, I assume best intentions and feedback.
Yeah, I think it does.
I think even more so because, in my opinion, it is easier to set the boundaries to people who we are not interlinked within the family ties.
You have a bit of distance from it.
You have a bit of distance from it and realise that, you know, of course there are situations where people come back from work and are completely, you know, down by what's happening at work and it impacts their personal life as a consequence of it.
And I think that this is the red flag for realising, right, this is not the right environment for me.
And usually it's because of people.
What happens if you've done all of that and still does it work?
What do you mean?
For work, once you've done all the, assume best intention, provide feedback, set clear boundaries, what happens if that does not work?
Well, you have to consider alternative options, alternative employment.
You have to reflect on the situations that you've done everything that you could and you accept that position you're in is not going to help you grow.
And sometimes we learn the hard way, sometimes we, you know, sometimes we are able to put up with things that may not have that great impact on us, I guess.
But sometimes we need to part ways.
And I know it's easier said than done because sometimes it's not as straightforward as that.
Sometimes you need the money and the family relies on you.
And I think when that happens, perhaps think about looking for an alternative jobs, but whilst doing that, think about what you can do for your wellbeing.
So what we mentioned before in our previous episodes, talking about having enough rest, enough sleep.
Look into any small bits of positivity in your life when you go for a walk, take a deep breath, look at the sky, doing things that you enjoy.
It might be insignificant, but when you do them, they slowly build up to become small, significant things.
And I think they also make you change the perspective of where you're looking at.
Not only improve your psychosomatic condition, I guess, not only make you feel better, but also allow you to have a little bit of distance and allow space for reflection.
Because you've done all the parts to look after yourself and they say, right, I am doing the best I can.
I am trying to sleep, make most of things around me, flowers, birds, and I don't know, sport activity, whatever tickles your fancy, that's absolutely up to you.
And then you can gain the distance necessary to make a move if need be.
I hope you find this useful. I think this has been therapeutic for us too.
And I hope you can tell us how this impacted you in different ways.
I know you all like to direct messages most of the time. Please keep that coming.
If you want to email us or send a voice message, you can record that in our website.
So do you need everyone in your life? No, you don't.
You just have to make wise choices on sticking to people who lift you up rather than to those that impact you in a way that you wouldn't impact others.
And use this opportunity to reflect on yourself and also observe the impact of other people on you.
Remember, you need to put yourself as priority because it is your responsibility. No one else will.
Thank you for listening.
If you're not going to do it, no one else will. Absolutely.
Okay, all we have left is Ewan Reads and thank you for this week. Until next time.
It's about time for Yuen Reads.
Welcome to the segment of Yuen Reads.
This book is called How to Meditate by Pema Chodron.
As I mentioned before, I do meditate, but sometimes I go, am I doing it the right way?
I don't know whether there is a right way.
I know some people don't meditate by sitting down.
Some people meditate by walking.
But I was just like, maybe there is a book that I can read and maybe find out on how I can meditate in different ways.
How I can be more aware of what's happening in my brain.
And I'm sure it will have the breath as part of the basis.
But there were so many things on here that I took away from.
So I want to say this book is really friendly for beginners and seasoned meditators, I guess that I would.
I bought this book to one of my dear friends and she found it really helpful.
And I do as well.
And there are different ways of working with your thoughts and different techniques of meditation and different ways of being with your emotions that I find was really, really helpful.
When you practice dealing with all of that, using different ways, for me it's like you've got different toolkits in your bag.
And you try this and you're like, nah, not so helpful.
You try another one and you go, oh yeah, this really works for me.
And I'm always, always up for having more things in my toolkit.
And this book really adds to my toolbox.
Definitely, definitely recommend this.
I think this goes very well with any breathwork book that you've already got.
If not, this is a standalone.
If you just want to try being comfortable in silence and, more importantly, being comfortable with your thoughts and emotions, definitely would recommend this book.
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