How To Overcome Lack of Confidence On The Road To Progression

Mike 

Nothing holds you back more than you. Today we're talking about lack of self-confidence and how we can overcome it. Join us for the full episode. My name is Mike. 

Yuen 

And it's Yuen. 

Mike 

Welcome to The Imperfect Clinician. Today, in The Imperfect Clinician, we want to complete the Gridlock Triangle with the discussion about lack of confidence. For me, the previous two episodes. About doubts and fear of failure can only be discussed in context of lack of confidence. I mean they are separate issues, but they are from equally important when we are considering ideas and presentation that prevents us from progression. How do you define lack of confidence? 

Yuen 

I think there are different elements of lack of confidence, but from what I observe, and this is such a common topic to anyone that comes through my door, regardless of what they are doing, whether they're a student, whether they're just starting out, whether they're quite senior where they are, there is always an element of being very self-critical. So self-critical can come through in different forms, but what I see is when people focus on their I would say bad traits, but I wouldn't use the word bad, they would see it as negative traits perhaps and they tend to ruminate on. That what I also notice alongside that is still seem to downplay their positive traits and whilst doing that I notice that they really struggle to accept compliments so they find it really difficult to take on compliments, the usual response. If I say you did a brilliant job in doing XY and Z and they're like ohh no. The first thing is if it's a reflex. When you burn yourself on something and you take your hand away, it comes so quickly that they'll go. Oh no, it's. It can't be me. Whereas if it's something that they haven't done well, they first of all take it personally. They stay in it and they catastrophize it. So it's a very tricky habit to get out of. What else have you noticed? 

Mike 

I think there is also to some extent the link with perfectionism, because you're trying to perfect yourself, especially when you are presenting yourself to others. It's quite important also to distinguish low self-esteem or self-esteem in general from self-confidence, because for me self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves inside and self-confidence is how we present ourselves to others and one is very strictly connected to others very often, but they're not exactly the same for me. I've noticed that a lot of lack of self-confidence comes out of low self-esteem, but there is more. Sometimes we can present ourselves as lack in the confidence because we lack in the skill. We don't have enough, in our opinion, enough knowledge about the subject and we just downplay our ability and I think that realising how this lack of confidence is stopping us can actually trigger the desire to get better in those things that are going to improve our portrayal towards others. With low self-esteem is a little bit different because this seems to be a little bit deeper. And it is often connected with. I don't know, anxiety, depressions, or other elements of mental health and mental well-being as such. 

Yuen 

So I would absolutely agree. I've noticed people with low self-esteem and lack of confidence, or I've noticed people with low self-esteem and, however, portrayed, not confidence, but they are trying to shield themselves. So, they can come. Across as overly confident or having a very high ego, but what I've noticed underneath those traits. Or personalities. They are trying to shield the low self-esteem. 

Mike 

To overcompensate. Trying to. Yeah, so you overcompensate by presenting yourself as somebody who is better than you actually are. That's, you know, blown up ego. 

Yuen 

Yes, exactly. And I find in people with low self-esteem they perhaps judge their own personality or maybe physical qualities to a completely different standard to how they would judge others, and I don't know whether you've noticed, regardless of whether it's lack of confidence or overly confident, there is always the lack of boundaries and perhaps the behaviour of people. 

Mike 

This and that also comes with the factor of how agreeable we are with others and how it can bite onto our authentic self and perception of how we are towards others, because the more agreeable you are and the more welcoming you are to other people, the harder it is to set the boundaries. So it can only be a healthy, agreeable person ff you know when to say ‘no’. 

Yuen 

Yeah. And saying no in this context is I've got too many things on my plate. I can't do this for you now is. 

Mike 

Yet we always just don't want because it affects you in other ways. You know you may refuse to do things for other reasons as well, but you need to have enough confidence. To do it. 

Yuen 

Agree. So you might find that people who are overly confident also struggle to set boundaries because they don't want that to reflect badly. None of them. If they say no, how would others perceive them? Yeah. So there is another level of people pleasing. Would that not increase the risk of burnout? 

Mike 

It does, yeah, because it does affect your ability to recover from all the things that people want you to do. For them or for anybody else, you know, I think when it comes to having low self-esteem or lack of confidence, we have to 1st discuss about how do we get to the point that we end up thinking more about ourselves or thinking that we. Cannot present ourselves, as you know, confident enough to fulfil the task to, I don't know, impress the other party. So how do we get to the point? What leads to people having struggles with lack of confidence? One thing we've mentioned, we've mentioned lack of skill, lack of ability, so you commonly cause the problems. That's right. I've not come across it again. I have to learn more, so I'm not going to push myself forward because I want to find out more. OK. And that's naturally curious position, but this is not the only thing that can drag you down in that context because it could be result. Of results at school. Your parents, how they were speaking to you, how you were speaking to yourself, the negative language that you use towards yourself can seriously impact on how you portray yourself towards others. So it's very important to realise how we talk to ourselves. 

Yuen 

I think the other thing that comes to mind. Is perhaps there is no strong sense of identity. And self-worth. So you almost see your worth as what you produce and what you can do. At work, if you put. In a work perspective, it can be from a personal perspective, you see yourself as a great mum, so anything that falls out of that context has the potential to destroy the role that you define for yourself. 

Mike 

True. Yeah. I mean, it also comes together with the body image, for example, and the feelings about your appearance also, you know how much support you get from people around you. But the thing that really strikes me as a very important factor is how we or others compare us to others because comparison is a very powerful tool that can drag us usually down rather than prop us up because there is not a lot of gain you can have if you compare yourself to somebody who is weak. I don't know less capable than you, but there is a lot of harm that can be done if somebody compares you to somebody better because you then increase exponentially the doubt you have in yourself. 

Yuen 

I think comparison with others feels like an unfair playing field. 

Mike 

Because we're all different. 

Yuen 

Because we're all different. We don't have the same starting point. We don't have the same struggles. We don't have the same journey. I think comparison helps. If you compare how you are now to how you were six months a year ago. So comparing your current progress. To where you want to be. And I think that gives you a better gauge. 

Mike 

It's a better framework for your development. For yourself development, I completely agree with this, but comparing to others can be very, very helpful. That's why us as parents we have to be very mindful of how we even compare. Ohh your daughter finished eating and you haven't eaten already? Yeah, and we’re all sometimes guilty of it. 

Yuen 

And I think the other thing is. I know that not all of our listeners are parents. But to be aware of what's in your head, it might be that you've heard this, and so you've internalised the message because you've heard it countless times or tt might be that you are surrounded or you were surrounded by it. Or maybe you still are surrounded by these messaging and so you become it because you are swimming in it essentially. And it might be none of those and you just set up the impossibly high standards for yourself. I think starting with self-awareness needs to be the first building block to understanding this because I hear so much about or need to build on my confidence. Why? Why do you think you don't have confidence? Ohh I I think I just need to be more experienced. I just think I need to practise. 

Mike 

More and when I speak to people about the confidence, I always want to know the context. Because what does it mean to be more confident, more confident than your peer? More confident than you when you were a year ago, more confident clinically? So I think the context here is very important to let people realise how they can improve their confidence. You know that there are plenty of examples of people who are pressurised to deliver kind like children for the parents. I remember quite vividly situations where I was expected to, for example, on foreign trips when I was going with my dad and my dad said Ohh, sort out the hotel. Well, I had to basic understanding of English language. Let's say you know from what I learned back in Poland from my classes. But crossing that barrier where you can communicate about that particular issue when you're being pressurised to get this just sorted, if you don't have enough exposition or the exposition is not on your terms and the terms are just there, you are dropped into the situation, is that right to go and negotiate? Usually with my daddy, with some business trip. So whatever. And I was supposed to translate, negotiate and essentially try to convey the message that it's not mine and that I have not enough experience in the language, that I'm not very fluent with at a time. And this took me a long while to get over, but I think you have to, in my personal experience, you have to face it on your own terms rather than to be pressurised slow steps and getting out there because not always being dropped at the deep end is beneficial to you because it can really knock your confidence and you can really make quite a few steps backwards. Some people will enjoy it and they'll be absolutely great when they're being drop. But I think that for different situations that different approaches might work, you know better for different people. 

Yuen 

And I think this is a scenario that's applicable to all areas of work. You've mentioned about something personal, but I can see power lines in a workplace. If you are being thrown in an environment where you feel unsupported and you don't even know where to start. It might be traumatic for you. And so the environment that is created either by you or if you are in that environment yourself, it's useful to see if you have the control, how do you assess and evaluate those environment by what people are saying to you, so if you are the leader, gauge how much people are telling you not just the good news, but what are other things that can be improved? Because if you notice that the ratio of good news is significantly higher than potentially concerning ones, I'm more likely to go. I might say I have an open door policy. But am I walking the talk? Whereas if I evaluate, people do come to me with problems, but that means they feel safe to come to me with problems. That's one thing from a leaders perspective, if you are in an environment where you feel that there needs to be some improvement in terms of your support. Or a check in point with you. I think it's important to raise that and ask. And don't assume that people know what you need. 

Mike 

And I think what you're mentioning here about having support. It starts from. Early days, really. If you are surrounded by a supportive environment. And the ratio of people who support you to those who don't, or situations that are being supportive and those who are being punishing, is in the right order. Then it translates to how confidently you are able to raise certain issues. So the support around you is very, very important. The people around you can be very helpful. But then one question is here: What if you feel that you are overly sensitive to criticism because there is a fine. Balance between your people being supportive, but then you might feel that the smallest amount of, you know, criticism is dragging me way down. How do we work on that? 

Yuen 

So there are two parts to it. One, if you feel that the criticism is taking somebody down, OK, take me as an example. You say that I can do better. And it makes me feel really down. The two parts to it. One is how much I let the comment affect me as in how much I take it personally in terms of it is my fault. Not a team effort. These are the parts that I can play with. The second one problem with the two. Now the second part is how do I speak to myself after that and so the self-talk whether I go. You are stupid or you are stupid for not preparing the presentation better. So we using guilt instead of shame. And the third thing is the resilience. So. I might take things personally, but how do I bounce back from it so the three parts to when someone's been overly sensitive to feedback? I tend to explore which one are. You and which one is it? Am I? I used to be somebody like that and I'm working on it as a working progress on a day when I am not putting as much mindfulness and awareness in myself then I revert back because it's easier. 

Mike 

You say that this is a girl in a hard skin on. 

Yuen 

I don't think so. I see it as the negative feedback as something that's been threatened to me and depending on what I do with myself I decide how long those comments stick to me, so if I'm working on myself, let's say I've done my breathing after my walk, I've done everything that I need to recalibrate myself. It's almost like I've got a layer of conditioner. But it doesn't stick to me. 

Mike 

Yeah, to all those that are interested in the UN concept and idea of sticky things that cling on to you. 

Yuen 

And it slides off. 

Mike 

I think it was in the episode about feedback. Was it? Yeah, I think we were discussing about feedback. So if you want to know a little bit more about how things can stick to you, go back to that episode and have. 

Yuen 

It was. 

Mike 

A listen, yeah. 

Yuen 

And reversely, if I'm not working on it, I see myself as very prickly. And if you're prickly, something comes to you. It sticks on. Yeah. And so that stickiness is something that can practise and it's an ongoing process. It's not something that once you've gained the conditioner that it stays on with you all the time. I hope so, but it's not the case. 

Mike 

Case would you say that because we were talking about, you know, how sometimes we wish that we were clinically better? To be better at work that we need to know more, to progress and all that and how does it stack up if you are more confident at work but less confident? I don't know. In relationships, for example, does it translate? Is there any universal idea cause there are people who, you know feel much more comfortable in the work environment than in contacts with their peers, you know or in the relationship. 

Yuen 

I want to say there are some correlation depending on what skills you are talking about. So, I would say that you might go and I want to be more clinical. Yes, I want to know more, but knowing more doesn't mean you can communicate it better to a patient. And people always think. Knowing more means I can communicate better and it's not the case, and I think if you work on your communication skills and by doing that you're working on self-awareness, it helps with your. Personal relationship. If I am lathering myself with conditioner, what you say to me in a personal setting, will that stick as much, so I wouldn't retaliate and I wouldn't just explode. I would let it slide off and I would find out where is it coming from and why. And so it helps in both scenarios I find. 

Mike 

OK. So would you say that in that scenario, is it a matter of trust cause let's say that in a relationship you are quite new to it and you lack in this confidence and you haven't got or developed enough trust for the other person to be confident enough? But then at work, for example you work with the people that you known for a very long time and you're quite confident and you know straightforward there. Is it the matter of how much do you trust the others. 

Yuen 

I think yes, there is an element of that, but the other part I think for me is more prominent is what's the relationship you have with yourself. And that is a cross or board, whether that's in a work setting or a personal setting or a social setting, because the relationship that you have with yourself takes precedence regardless of whether you trust somebody or not. And that creates almost like a baseline of how you form relationship with others at work or romantically or as a friendship. And without that, I think it's as if that you've lost a very clear lighthouse with a clear direction where you go. This is where I am with me and I'm reacting this way because of XY and Z. And when I know that I need to work on how do I communicate it with you because I could be really frustrated, but on a bad day I'll just go ‘you're always doing it that way’ and on a good day I go ‘I can see you're really frustrated, have you had a hard day or on even the best day, I might say come and talk to me and I talk you through it’. I almost help you through it. But that means that I need to have a very full tank like overfilling tank to be able to be. 

Mike 

Too shy to share? 

Yuen 

Able to be in that mindset to guide you. 

Mike 

Through it, I'll come to you one day. 

Yuen 

If I'm in half tank, you get the, you know, quite OK me if I'm on an empty tank, I will just fire straight back at you and say how dare you. Which doesn't help. 

Mike 

OK. OK. So yeah, we've discussed different variants of how confidence may affect us and what's our relationship with our own self-confidence. Have you got any tips on how to get better at becoming more confident? Cause that can ultimately impact on your progression can allow you to grow and to achieve the purpose. What can we recommend we we've mentioned self-compassion. Looking after yourself is very important to make sure that our head is clear and our body is functioning well. Yeah, making sure that we have enough sleep pressed. Yeah. So self-care. As such. Sleep pressed, exercise, stay fit and healthy because this is the basis of a happy and healthy minds. 

Yuen 

When we talk about exercise, don't imagine going into the gym for 30 minutes. Think about movement, think about going for a walk. Think about getting up from the chair and walk around. In your room. Any extra steps that you can do? 

Mike 

Outside of your normal functional zone, yes, will. 

Yuen 

Always help. The only thing that I've mentioned before, but I think is absolutely important. It's a starting point. It's just paying attention. To how you talk to yourself almost like, be quiet and listen to your head. 

Mike 

So that's essentially about being more considerate about the way you think, because that will form the words in your mouth about how you address yourself. 

Yuen 

Yes, and you need to start the awareness to change the talk. So if I know I'm always putting myself down, you need to be aware of it before you can do something about. And once you are aware of it, what can you do about it? Is value yourself in different ways, whether you write it down, whether you put it on a sticky note, whether you write a gratitude journal, these are different ways to help you. You mentioned about support network. It's important to have that. To build a truly supportive network around you, and if you want more information, refer back to ‘Do I need everyone in my life?’ That episode. We talk about people around us and how. They are truly on our side. 

Mike 

One more thing that I think it's very we mentioned already is about if you really have to compare yourself, compare yourself to yourself and follow your own journey, follow your own growth and try to avoid comparison with others. That's hardly ever a good idea. 

Yuen 

And sometimes you notice you're not making enough progress in your head. Change the lens. You might go in the last three months. I've not really got anywhere. But if you look in the last three years, my progress is really significant is how we focus on it. And the other thing you mentioned about self-care, I think the other thing that's really important is to find out what nourishes you. The word ‘nourish’. So when you're doing it, you feel relaxed. You feel that you're able to, or I guess a better gauge is how do you feel after doing it, you? Not just relaxed, but you almost feel invigorated. 

Mike 

You don't feel like you've wasted time. You've feel like you've gained something out of it. 

Yuen 

Yes, and it makes you feel more positive. In our previous episode, we talked about how I find certain activity a waste of time just because how I was conditioned to think that way. But the best gauge for me is how do I feel after if I go there is some furnishing activity if I go? Then that's not. 

Mike 

Would you say that celebrating your achievements and things that you managed to complete or that you convinced yourself or reassured yourself that you're good at, should be celebrated? 

Yuen 

Definitely a thumbs up. 

Mike 

OK. We mentioned people around us and the network. Yeah. Because sometimes when we move away from the loved ones, our confidence can drop because there is not enough one to one support. I think sticking to your purpose can also give you a boost that you need to overcome self-doubt and may give you just the boost to get you to where you need to be. I think this is it. I think one last thing that I want to add is to remember that we are usually our own worst and harshest critics. This is something to bear in mind when we are considering our steps in overcoming self-confidence issues. There will be situations where you might need to seek professional help. And if you feel that this is something that could benefit you, absolutely go for it. And trying to stay positive. Remember how you talk to yourself would be the best thing we can tell you today. I think that this will now conclude, really, that our Gridlock Triangle, the triangle that prevents you from progression, tell us what you think about it. Let us know. What's important for you in your personal growth or things that prevent you from grow? Then and we'll be very happy to discuss those as well in the future until next time. Bye bye. 

Yuen 

In Yuen Reads. Today we are exploring Brene Brown's newest book ‘Atlas of the heart’. How many feelings are you used to saying research have found that those are the three most commonly used ones, which are happy, sad and angry. But in reality, Brene said there are 87 emotions listed in the book and revealing. It may be more in life, but she put it in a way that I would say they are really digestible chunks where it links into places that we would go. And also it groups opposite emotions to each other. So we can see the stark difference. Unsurprisingly, this is a book that always go back to for meaning and clarity. To make sure that I used the word accurately to convey my wide range of emotion. This is a book that I always keep on my bedside table and I will come back to it sometimes when I realise, OK, I can master 20 of the emotions. It feels that I'm learning a new language and then I'll come back to it when I got the 20 used correctly. 

Mike 

Thank you for listening to The Imperfect Clinician podcast. 

Yuen 

Grow and learn with us using our experience and flaws, just like we'd learn every day about ourselves. The best way to support us is to hit that follow or subscribe button. Thanks for your participation in our socials. We take to heart the ratings, reviews and comments. 

Mike 

The best way we can repay you is by making this podcast better. And by reaching and inspiring more people like you, like us, until next time.