Change - not again! Part 1

Change is inevitable. We would like to avoid it, but the best thing that we can do is to embrace it.
Can we be better at it? Let's find out together.
I'm Yuen.
It's Mike. Welcome to The Imperfect Clinician.
Is change difficult?
It can be very difficult. If you don't believe it, try swapping your fork and knife in your drawer.
Oh, or imagine eating with a fork and knife, but swapping hands. I think I'll go home.
You can just keep a spoon in a different hand, you know, that's going to trip you up straight away.
Definitely.
Why does that happen, that we find change challenging, and why do we resist it? Is it something to do with evolution?
I think so. I think in order for us to survive, the brain becomes very protective.
So it is painful for the brain when we have change.
So imagine when we are a hunter-gatherer, for example, once we find somewhere that is safe, we stay there.
We make minimal changes to our daily life to increase the chance of survival.
Yeah, I think that it also affects our risk assessment in a way, because we want to vary off the risk in general.
If we have what we need around us, getting out there to get something else might be a bit more risky.
And that's why our brain is trying to protect us from potential risk, I guess, danger.
And maybe those who've taken the risk did not survive. So it's a natural selection.
Yeah, that's how natural selection is. But then you need some sort of progress, somebody that's going to take the risk and show the way, lead the way.
But not everybody is equally capable to change.
Yeah. And I think in order to survive, our brain always needs to conserve energy, just in case for emergency situations or any fight and flight responses.
And so the brain will always choose the path of least resistance. So maintaining what you're doing currently is on autopilot.
I can imagine countless times where I've driven to my workplace and I just meant, oh, what happened in that car journey?
I'm just thinking about everything else.
Yeah, but then if you took a different route, you would have to focus on it and you would remember it better.
Yes, but then that means my brain's using more energy.
So that analogy is the same thing if we were to set up a new habit, because it requires more energy to focus and to be more aware of every single step, like you said, finding a new route.
So if we are tired or stressed, then our brain's trying to reserve energy and move us back to what it is used to until the new habit that you want to incorporate becomes repeated and sustained, and that becomes the new autopilot.
And so it gets easier then.
It involves an extra brain power and muscle memory as well, because that's what we are practicing in these new routines when whatever change applies to really.
Yeah, exactly. And I think habits are really hard to break and harder to create.
Oh, that's definitely, yeah. Try changing the hand you brush your teeth with.
That's a simple thing you would think that, oh, I'm able to just to do it like that, but it doesn't always happen.
Yeah, and so much easier to stay in our comfort zone, because, like you say, veering off into the unknown, the unpredictability can be quite scary.
And to be fair, I think with a lot of circumstances, people know what needs to be done, but the problem is, first of all, is doing it, and second of all, doing it consistently over a prolonged period of time until it becomes the new routine.
And this is where we are planning the change. I mean, a lot of change may happen around us that we don't have any or very little impact on, and trying to adapt to it is skill, and it is something that we can, you know, put apart and get better at it.
When you say change that you don't have impact on, did you mean change that you don't have control on?
Yeah, the control. It's something that happens externally. I mean, there is one way of, for example, changing the habit, right, I'm going to drink more water, and something that, right, I have no access to water, for example.
Yeah, environmental.
Environmental or societal, organizational, whatever.
Or digital.
Or digital.
Or something, and versus something that you said, more internal, more intrinsic motivation.
Absolutely.
What kind of challenges could we have when we are facing change?
So I got these terms, technical or adaptive challenges, by a book called Immunity to Change by Robert Keegan and Lisa Leahy.
But essentially, if somebody come across a challenge and they treat it as a technical challenge, it's relatively easy because they just need to acquire certain skill set to manage it.
Whereas adaptive challenge requires more in-depth digging because it involves emotions and internal transformation.
And the feelings one.
Yeah, exactly.
So I think the easiest context to put into, and this is what I see in patients as well, is losing weight for person A, who treats it as a technical challenge, means getting organized with meal plan, reducing sugary drink.
And that for them is just bum, bum, bum, understanding what to do, and then doing it with minimal problem.
And for person B, who treats it as an adaptive challenge, eating means showing love.
So by that, refusing food that's been offered is refusing love, or eating because it's comfort eating, so I don't feel empty.
So for person B, addressing the eating habit in this case, it's more about addressing the, for example, feeling empty.
And it is about the transformation of the feelings.
Yeah, and what to replace it first, instead of just focusing on the symptomatic eating habits, because in this case, the eating habit is a symptom.
Okay, so can change be good?
I want to say good for you.
So if I decide to change, I want to see it as good for me.
However, not everyone will be comfortable with it, just based on my personal experience.
That's very true.
I think that when it comes to change being good, we have to consider two things.
One thing is perspective and our attitude towards this particular event or series of the events that's going to happen, and also the time outlook.
So what is the perspective?
So if we, for example, changing jobs to something that I've always dreamed about, then you might be very excited and very involved in it,
but it can be beneficial and the change can be good in the longer perspective of time after you settle into the change.
So those two things.
So the perspective you look at the change, so your personal engagement is very important,
as well as the timescale that this change is supposed to pay us the benefits or dividends.
And what are situations when it isn't?
Well, there are situations where if you take the opposite, so if you don't feel personally invested in the change, you, for example, are made redundant.
This is something that you didn't anticipate.
And also there is a time reference to it because in the short run, it might be quite a negative perception and stressful.
But maybe in the longer term, that was the impact for the better, because that's the thing.
I mean, try discussing change when you incorporate the element of lack into it.
That's going to make a completely different assessment.
So for example, you lose the job and then you have a phone call, right?
I'm looking for somebody who's going to do this, that and the other.
And all of a sudden, it's actually for the better.
But also can be for worse.
Yeah, it can be for worse.
I mean, this is the thing.
By training your resilience, by training your way of reflecting on things will hopefully make you a bit more adaptable when it comes to change.
And being a bit selfish in respect, I'm going to find something for me in that change that's going to work.
And sort of cling on to it so that you can maybe not fully embrace if it's something really bad.
But try to make most of it.
See the silver lining.
Yeah, see the silver lining.
Make the most of it.
Try to see those little bits that can take you through this initial phase until you get to the change to the position when you are, again, comfortable and happy with.
Because it comes in cycles, I guess.
Okay.
So this is about us, how we feel about the change.
But let's get a bit deeper into those around us.
Because the change often affects others.
It's a ripple effect.
It is a ripple effect, yeah.
So what about the others?
So I guess when I change, my attitude might change, perspective will change.
And so the way that I see things might be different.
And for people around me, family, friends, the interaction will inevitably change.
And so I guess it's also a time for me to re-evaluate the relationships that I have in my life for people who are supportive of the change,
to people who are not supportive but being open and constructive about it, to people who are not supportive and being very negative about it.
Okay, so how can you prepare for it?
How can I prepare for it?
Some part of me wants to go, the change should be for me, it shouldn't be for them.
Because I find that if I want to change for them, because it should be done, a lot of the time it's not.
I agree that the change should be for you.
Because you are the ultimate beneficent of the situation.
But you can prepare others for your change, I think.
You can try, you can explain the reasons, you can clarify your point of view and what you are aiming to achieve.
I find it quite difficult because when I start on a conscious journey of change, as face it, we all change one way or another, but it's more gradual and less of a big shock.
What I'm talking about is a more conscious journey to change.
It's hard to prepare people for it because I don't even know what the outcome is going to be.
Yeah, I agree, but if you make people aware of your heading, that you want to make some sort of adjustments in your, for example, lifestyle.
Things that can impact people directly.
For example, I'm going to wake up every morning at five o'clock and I'm going to go for a run.
That means that, for example, somebody's got to stay with children, for example.
Or I can't go out for a late dinner.
Or you can't go out for a late dinner with friends.
So these are the things that when people have greater understanding, they are in a bit better position to accept your change and support it.
Yeah, and they're not being surprised with it, essentially.
Also they understand the reason because, you know, if you don't want to go out with somebody, people might assume not necessarily the best intentions as, oh, she doesn't want to go out with us because she doesn't like us.
Or we've done something that might have upset her.
Whereas the reasons might be that you're going for a run at five o'clock in the morning or whatever you're doing.
And I guess whether I want to say that depends on how determined I am to go through with the change.
Because if I'm still wavering and then I speak to a group of people, most likely my determination is just going to be none.
We talked about new habits, hard to do.
And so I want to gather people around me that will support me.
Or maybe the thought of even gathering support makes me don't want to do it.
So I'll just do it internally.
So I want to say do what works for you and gather people around you that will cheer you on.
I'm going to say do what's best for you, but be mindful and kind about the change.
Yeah.
If you can consider others, if that's going to ultimately, you know, benefit the group of people, whoever family or friends, then I think it's worth doing.
Yes.
And if you have people who are even with knowing the reasons, not being supportive, what would you do?
You'd have to go back to one of our episodes about whether you need everyone in your life.
That's true.
Yeah.
But OK.
So who do you think the change can be good for or who copes with it easier?
I think it's better for those who are conscious, regularly adapting and checking in, and perhaps those who have the practice of having small changes throughout their lives instead of no change at all.
And then with any new change, getting very anxious.
So there is a question that just popped into my head.
Who would be hypothetically better suited for change?
A realistic person or a dreamer?
Because you see where it comes from.
There are people who write facts, strict and everything, and you just do a SWOT analysis of whatever is coming your way.
And you have dreamers that can make a situation happen because they can put it in a better light.
So who's better suited for change?
I think a realist that you said might be somebody who goes, oh, well, it's happening anyway, might as well go on it, might as well be part of the change.
And you have the dreamer, I don't know.
Is it because it's more uncertainty with the dreamer?
But the realist can not necessarily go on board with it because they don't see the benefit.
I don't think there is an answer here.
I don't think so. That's why I'm really struggling.
I don't think there is an answer.
I think that whoever we are, and depending on what kind of characteristics we have, we are facing changes around us most of the time.
And sometimes there is this saying, they say, if you're not with the change, then you are against it.
And that sort of puts you in two different teams.
But sometimes it's hard to embrace something that is unknown.
And I think we're going to talk about the barriers and the issues that we might have with the change coming our way.
So what about external changes, changes happening around you?
How do you react?
I think the internal and external has to be linked.
Because if you are somebody who has a lot of resistance to change internally, most likely you are resistant to change externally.
You almost can't exclude your reaction in different settings.
It's not like I've switched on another button when I'm at work, and it's a separate button when I'm at home.
And so we'll talk about ways to embrace change and how that will help you embrace uncertainty when it's thrusted upon you.
So it's not your choice when it happens.
Okay, so there is one more thing.
We always, for the past previous two seasons, we're talking about change.
That change can be good if it's heading in the right direction and everything else.
So with all things changing, not only within ourselves, but also around us,
why then, more than often, we think, oh, it was better in the old days, it was better back then.
Oh, things were better when I was younger.
Is it the longing for the comfort of those times?
Is it that our memory only retains the good things?
I think there will be some element of the comfort that you've mentioned.
But also, I feel that people who are saying this one way or another have fears of the future.
Because they don't know what to expect.
And for a number of reasons, then have resistance to change.
And one of the ways of doing it can be verbal.
Well, I can give you an example of how, for example, people back in Poland,
I'm talking about the generation of our parents, their youth was during the communism.
And their mature life, the adult life, was in the new reality of,
well, let's call it capitalism or whatever.
Democratic.
A bit more democratic, shall we say, the new modern worldview.
And people agree that during communism, there was a lot of drawbacks and things.
Difficulties.
There were difficulties and challenges and problems that they had to face on a daily basis.
And then after the change, that hit a lot of people very, very hard.
They may become even more successful than that.
Because the opportunities are different.
And they can be richer.
They can explore their lives to a greater extent.
And the world moved on, if you're talking in the perspective of 20, 30 years.
And they sort of longed for the time when there were communism,
when they were young, saying that back then, life was calmer.
Back then, food was better.
Back then, whatever.
Community is stronger.
Community was stronger.
And I think it comes from this feeling that we tend to remember good things.
They stick to us a bit better.
And I think also we were younger.
So we had more energy to deal with those challenges and to embrace the change.
Because I think we weren't fully aware of the potential consequences of it.
Yeah.
And there's this quote that I've seen that says you would rather deal with the devil that you know
rather than the devil that you don't know.
True.
And so we would rather stay with what we know, even though it's not great.
But there will be parts of the past that people enjoy.
And I see it as a way of them saying that they enjoy or they miss the connection.
They miss the community.
They miss the people coming together in that time.
And perhaps in the world of disconnect, this is what everyone wants.
A sense of connection, a sense of belonging.
I think that's a very fair point.
So now, how to change.
How to change personally.
There are a few, I wouldn't call them guidelines.
Different models of behavioral change.
But the one that we come across by...
Let's call it our little input onto the how to change debate.
It's loosely based on Kendra Cherry's research.
And it comes in a few points.
And I think that could be beneficial to sort of explore them.
So first is to build awareness on knowing why the change is coming.
Would you agree?
So I want to put it in a more personal perspective.
So if you want to make a change in your daily life, probably need to know why.
Because if you approach it from a, oh, I should be doing that, or I ought to do that,
that's not really a positive motivation.
So find a purpose of change.
Yes, and something that really drives you.
That you feel motivated and you're actually excited to do.
Yeah.
And the second point would be to research and get ready.
Because there are certain things that you can prepare.
You can read up and you can find out.
You can speak to people.
You can do the legwork when it comes to exploring any change
to see the benefit, to understand it a bit better
so that it doesn't come unwanted and unwelcome.
Yeah.
And I guess there are, just to make sure when you're in that stage,
because I feel momentum is quite important,
especially when you feel the need to change,
just make sure this is not too long that you lose the momentum
and you go, oh, I'll start this next year, or I'll start this when I'm in Monday.
No, you don't want to drag,
especially if it's something that you want to do as a person to change.
You don't want to take forever for it,
but just make sure that you know sometimes you need to, I don't know,
save up a bit money because you want to start exercising
and you need some equipment for it.
So there are some things that you can pre-empty before you actually fully commit to it.
Then third would be to shift thinking.
So change how you think.
Tell me more.
So it's all about making sure that we can shift thinking
in the form of, for example, cognitive reframing.
So it's shifting your perspective from penalising to opportunity for growth.
So from what you're saying then, I see it from a perspective of let's go back to weight loss.
So instead of I'm not allowed to eat this, I'm penalising myself,
focusing on how I want to feel.
I want to feel more energetic.
So in a more positive connotation, instead of I want to feel less tired,
I want to feel more energetic.
I want to feel refreshed when I finish my day so I can have energy to play with the kids
and focus on that outcome of feelings that I want to achieve.
And I feel usually when I do that, the actions more likely to align with how I want to feel.
So that's the change.
But the change should be also wherever possible.
I think in most cases it is possible to make sure that we also stick on to the routines
that we already have that are benefiting us.
So, for example, to maintaining self-care routine
and to find those routines that are going well, like sleeping well.
We are working on some sort of projects, hobbies or whatever
that are still part of the old world from before the change.
Yeah, because if you change everything, most likely you will change nothing.
And you will not sustain it.
Yes.
Whereas if you make some change from, I don't know, the eating perspective,
like you said, the sleeping time, the time to spend with family,
all of that, if that feels or is part of a norm,
the brain doesn't feel like, oh, my goodness, we're under attack.
The next point is to assess the facts and not feelings
because you have to have a little bit of a clear head to see, right, these are the facts.
That is actually changing.
That is actually staying the same.
And we need to be realistic about it to set the small goals to achieve on the way.
If you avoid assessing the facts, then your outlook is more likely to be more negative
because we, in general, as a rule of thumb, are more likely to see change in a more negative way.
When you look into details of the facts around it,
it may not appear as scary and as changing as you might think.
Yeah, and I think what you've mentioned about be realistic, I think that's really important because...
I think you can also say be honest.
Realistic meaning in terms of honest about it.
Yeah, because if you say, all of a sudden, I'm going to walk seven days a week,
when you're not used to walking at all, that's not really realistic.
And so asking yourself, how do I make it easier?
Maybe start with a day a week, two days a week.
Just any small, measurable steps are heading in the right direction.
Absolutely. Very important part as well is self-kindness.
So make sure that we don't beat up ourselves to elicit some sort of feelings of shame or, in general...
Belittling us.
Belittling ourselves. Also using the right language when we're talking about ourselves.
Yeah, and I think it's expect progression and regression in the change process.
And so once you accept that regression is part of it, you just think, right, it's a step back today, tomorrow.
I'm going to do better rather than take it on yourself personally and say, that's it, that's the end.
I'm not going to do any more change.
And then you revert back to your old ways very quickly.
And then accepting that as part of the process would help in being kinder to yourself.
Very important.
Also, next point that we came up with is to consider reaching out for support.
That can be done in a few ways.
It could be information about what you're doing.
So like a pure research, going back to the pre-change research that we're talking about.
You can seek out for encouragement. It could be from some support groups, for example.
Emotional support from family.
Or friends. Not all families can be supportive.
Families, friends, whoever is around you. Closest to your heart.
But also sometimes consider also tangible support.
So something, I don't know, you need somebody to help you look after the kids because you have to do something.
Maybe consider asking somebody to cook some meals for you because there is some change going on that you need to be somewhere else.
So not only for pat on the back or you're doing the right thing,
but sometimes I think we shouldn't be afraid of asking people for help.
Solid help. Could you do shopping for me? I don't know. Drop me off somewhere or give me a lift.
These are the things that I think are important part of understanding that we don't have to necessarily be alone in the change process.
But the last thing that I think is quite important, and it is a skill and it comes with probably a bit of practice,
is to accept the change and to embrace it.
So try to make most of it, even if the change is for the worse.
You can always try to make sure that, first of all, accept it because the world may not go back to where it was before you started the change.
And you can embrace it because there's always a lesson to be learned.
There's always an opportunity to grow, even if the change is not the most positive thing in the world.
I think it's also important to be realistic about embracing the change for worse
because sometimes it is a really bad situation to step into an abusive relationship.
Don't try to embrace it. Get out while you can, when you're ready.
We avoid toxic change, that's not for you.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay. What about the change inflicted upon us?
You mean like the external ones that you talked about?
Yeah, the change, I don't know, we lose the job, we lose the pet, we lose somebody loved.
I don't know why I mentioned pet first before the love, but let's just skim over it, yeah?
And I think that there is often a bit of grief and very often also regret
because I think that our brain tries to convince you that you need to adapt to a new situation
but your heart is actually still living the old pre-change life and it really misses what you had before.
I think we need to allow some time to sit with it.
And it is something that we need to consider reflecting on.
And as we get better with reflection, we are much easier and much quicker, potentially,
getting over it to find yourself in the new paradigm, in the new situation.
I think with changes, just keeping in mind that denial is quite common,
that you don't think that you need to change or you are not ready yet, so you're just trying to push it aside.
I think it's really important what you said about sitting with it
because you are letting yourself be in the sphere of pain, be in the sphere of emotions and let it ride.
So it might be the first reaction is to push it aside and if that's the only way for surviving at the start, do so.
But making sure that you're carving time out to then sit with it and deal with it,
whether it's in isolation or whether it's with help.
There's just one more thought about regret.
I think that regret is more connected with our imagination and thinking about what if,
what would have happened if something didn't happen or if something did happen.
So it is something that is created by our brain venturing out to try to find something to hang on to from the past.
Yeah, and I guess most commonly from relationship.
So I might say I miss, this is something that I've probably not mentioned before, but it's not what I'm thinking now, so don't worry.
If I say I miss my ex after I finish a relationship, a lot of the time it's not that I actually miss the relationship.
I just miss what I want the relationship to be.
The idea of what could have been, or perhaps I don't want to let go of that yet.
Because if I do, then I get to the grieving stage.
It doesn't have to be losing a loved one, but losing a relationship and grieving the loss of what could have been.
It's also a grieving process.
So for me not to step into that part of the denial and the regret is thinking about what could have been.
And that creates a, I guess, a bittersweet emotion.
We'll talk about your ex later.
No, it's not.
So I think it's really important to practice the skill.
So being more adaptable to change is a skill that you can practice, like the muscle.
The more that you practice, the more your brain is fitter, I guess.
Yes, it's more agile.
It's more agile and it's more healthier.
Because the more that you push it, stretch it, then it's learning to adapt to a different situation.
So what do you think would help to practice the skill of change?
So this is the place where we're going to stop for now and we're going to come back to explore more aspects of change in the next episode.
Until next time. Bye bye.
It's about time for you and reads.
Yuval Harari.
If you haven't heard of this author before, go and Google him now.
Because Sapiens, the book that I am recommending today, is one of many of his...
If I want to say book, it feels like a declaration.
So imagine living and then one day realizing that I'm living in a dream.
I felt that way whilst I was reading his book.
The way he approaches the past and the present with curiosity, it allowed me to listen or read with an open mind.
And there are moments in the book where I have to pause, taking it all in intellectually and emotionally before I can continue.
It is a mind-blowing book and it changes your perspective not only of what you know, but of the world in every sense possible.
Get it, get it, get this book.
Thank you for listening to the Imperfect Clinician podcast.
Grow and learn with us using our experience and flaws just like we'd learn every day about ourselves.
The best way to support us is to hit that follow or subscribe button.
Thanks for your participation in our socials. We take to heart the ratings, reviews and comments.
The best way we can repay you is by making this podcast better and by reaching and inspiring more people like you, like us.
Until next time.
You