External validation - is it a love-hate relationship?

External validation. What is it? Why do we need it?
And more importantly, we talk about different ways to stop over-relying on external validation.
It's Yuen.
And Mike, welcome to the Imperfect Clinician.
You are so beautiful. Your hair looks lovely. Oh, you're so clever. I like what you did
there. External validation. Is it kind of a compliment? What is it?
Before we delve deeper, it's important to note that we cannot be without external validation.
It's not something bad. It's not something negative. However, it depends on how much
you rely on it. So it can be a slippery slope.
So what is it? What are we talking about when we mention external validation?
So the one that I come across which really resonates with me is the emotional validation
explanation from Dr. Preeti Kocchar, who is a counselling psychologist.
So her view is emotional validation involves understanding and showing acceptance for another
person's feelings. So when people receive this type of validation, they feel that their
emotions are not only seen and heard by others, but that those feelings are also accepted.
So imagine when you don't receive that, how would you feel?
If you don't feel ahead or accepted, you may feel a bit isolated, I guess, and maybe unsupported.
But where does external validation come from? Is there any history around it?
Yeah, because us as human beings, we are social creatures. So we need external validation
in different times of our lives. So for example, if we are as children, we rely on it entirely
to learn which behaviours are acceptable and which aren't. Whereas as adults, it's necessary
to survive in a tribe because we need to take instructions, take feedback in order to collaborate
to survive. So as a form of survival, a natural selection, we are attuned to external validation.
However, the problem comes when we developed unhealthy reliance on external validation.
Okay. And where does it start? It must start when you were a child.
Yeah, more likely than not, these came from childhood experiences. So study shows that
if you're shown unconditional love as a child, you're more likely to develop internal validation
and have strong self-esteem. Whereas if you're shown conditional love, so if you have to
achieve this or do this to be in inverted commas, good or perfect or acceptable, then
it's more likely for the child to develop in adulthood the need for external validation
because there are more emotional discrepancies between what you need and what you got. So
feeling out of control and perhaps needing others to reassure you or praise you or save
you in some ways all the time so you don't feel rejected can lead to approval addiction.
So why are we seeking external validation? So in children, it helps to build emotional
awareness because they miss a bit like a emotional compass. That's something that they're learning
when they come into life. Okay. So when the child grows up not feeling valued or not receiving
praise or acknowledgement for what they're doing, it may lead to some troubles with regulating
their emotions that can potentially lead to anxiety, difficulty trusting others, for
example, or also fear of rejection or maybe unpredictable or confusing behaviors. There's
a study from 2018 that reveals that it might be also potential cause of borderline personality
disorder or one of the causes, shall I say. Receiving too much praise may lead to excessive
amount of entitlement and difficulties in relationship with others because that can
lead to overvaluation and that in the consequence may lead to narcissistic traits and potentially
some other mental health conditions. They usually need further support by professionals
and very often they can form a part of our adult life. Okay. So what are the pros and
cons of external validation?
So as we mentioned above, it's helpful to develop emotional awareness. It can help boost
your confidence, especially if you take on healthy, constructive feedback to improve
on yourself. Whereas where we get to the slippery slope side, when we talk about cons,
because it's entirely based on others, we cannot control it and we can't rely on it,
but we need it to boost our self-esteem and self-worth. So in some ways your sense of
self has no foundation at all.
Okay. But when we were talking about it before we started recording, you mentioned a looking
glass self effect. Can you tell me more about it?
Yeah. So this is something that I talk about quite a lot with students when they come in
and we talk about building confidence because a lot of the time it's a term coined by psychologists
that essentially saying, I am not what I think I am and I am not what you think I am.
I am what I think that you think I am thinking. So I am what I think you think I am. So I'm
assuming what you think of me.
So it's more based off an assumption. So it's a bit like a feedback based on the assumption
and on the idea of what you would like to see yourself as.
Yeah. So essentially we're trying to portray an image of what others want, but it's impossible
for us to know what others really want. So we are deciding what we think others want
and it's really a losing game. We'll never win.
In some ways we are turning up to volume outside to drown all the noises internally.
Yeah. Because when you are only listening to the noises outside, you are forced to disconnect
with the internal voice. So what is your body telling you? What's the internal signal sending
you? Because with time that becomes not important. It's a practice listening to inside or outside,
but if you're so used to listening to the outside all the time, we've learned to block
out internal signals.
Okay. What does unhealthy reliance on external validation mean?
So when we rely solely on external validation, there is a risk that we are being defined
by others or we are allowing others to define us. And when we don't receive the external
validation, the self criticism kicks in alongside any self doubt, insecurities and all the negative
gremlins in your head.
Okay. So we come to the conclusion that this is a kind of a feedback that in the concept
of it is quite addictive and we just need to make sure that we understand the role of
it in order to make sure that we don't get sucked in by this form of feedback.
So I think it might be a good idea to explore what happened in terms of how do you assess
where you are now? Because a lot of it, like we say, starts from childhood. So it's going
to be really hard for you to just say, I don't want that. Because unless you spend
time either with yourself or with a therapist to go through the childhood triggers, what
you can do now is to see how reliant are you on external validation.
So I think we need to see how we are now by determining how we're doing. So whether we're
blocking out our internal voice, see whether we're losing touch with it, because that can
lead to feeling lost in general. Perhaps we are held back from doing or saying what we
actually think because we're afraid of what others reaction or perception. So our authentic
self is suppressed, which can lead to us saying yes repeatedly and being a people pleaser,
but ends up draining us because we're too afraid of what people will think when we say
no. So this can happen from a work perspective or from social or family perspective. Anything
that is asked of you, you will go, yes, yes, yes. Even though your plate is so full and
you're spinning 10 balls or juggling templates and everything's going to fall apart, but
you still want to say yes because the fear of saying no and the fear of somebody else
think differently of you is greater than the fear of losing all 10 plates.
There is an opportunity for a shameless plug. We did talk about authentic self in season
one of our podcast. So if you haven't had a chance, it might be worth to have a little
listen. Okay. So now what happens to the thoughts of feelings in ourselves? Because we tend
to have certain idea of ourselves. Okay. And when we get this external opinions about us
and external praises, if you like, how does it impact our perception of us?
So the thoughts and feelings that you've just asked very commonly are being pushed
aside or changed or maybe even shoved under the carpet because we are constantly accommodating
how others are feeling. So imagine doing this all the time that you're constantly thinking,
how is my friends going to think of me? How's my work colleagues going to think of me? What
would they say if I do this? This is a very tiring and draining 24 seven activity because
you're constantly thinking about what others would think or say, but then in some ways
you almost don't know how to switch off because that's just how you operate to survive. It
is an addiction which sort of warrants every decision that you make or most of the decision
should we say? I would say addiction is when you need other people's approval to keep going,
whereas the hundred miles an hour head is more like anxiety. Okay. So you're consciously
anxious about what people would think and would say and your action. It may lead to
you having action where you are constantly needing somebody else's approval for you to
feel validated and the action seeking bit would be the addiction.
So correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels like you are portraying the number of voices of
your friends or people around you that tell you to do or not to do something and you base
your activities on satisfying those needs, I guess.
Yeah. And also worth to note that usually the standard that you set for yourself in
those circumstances are extremely high for yourself. Whereas if the same friend said
no to you, you would not take it the way that you would in your head. So you set double
standards, one for yourself, which is extremely high and almost unachievable and the other
one for everybody else, which is a more reasonable level.
So it is disproportionate to what you might think about certain activity performed by
others and what others think about what you're supposed to do.
Exactly. Because what you're supposed to do carries the other person's perspective and
the other person's view and ultimately determines your worth. Hence the standards are higher.
Is it hard to break away from it?
We'll talk about tips on how to break away or start to have awareness and work on it
later on, but breaking away from defined boxes is very difficult. So when I say that, I mean,
for example, I've always been told that I'm a very good listener. So I'm always staying
in this box, this defined box of good listener. I'm saying in there, I can't get out, which
makes it difficult then for me to open up about my struggles because what if they don't
see me as a problem solver or somebody who's good at giving advice because if I can't solve
my own issues, how can I help them? But that's not true. Everyone is not just one box. Everyone
is multifaceted. Everyone is complex and everyone will have moments where they need advice and
have moments where they're giving advice. So that a little bit seems to me a bit like
imposter syndrome. What is the connection there? So I would agree because with imposter
syndrome, you don't feel that you're good enough, but you add on the additional layers
of what if people feel that way too. And also I don't believe in myself anyway. So what
people think must be true.
Okay. So shall we add another layer of complexity here and say that has it got any connection
with perfectionism?
Definitely. So remember when I talked about setting yourself impossible standards, so
that's where perfectionism comes in and there is this aspect of I can't make any mistake
or I am so scared of making mistakes because then they will think I'm not competent. And
if anything were to happen, the first reaction is to take it personally. So let's say we're
working on a project and somebody gave me some feedback about my project saying, I don't
agree with this. The first reaction is, is it because they don't like me? Have I offended
them? Well, in reality, they might not like your idea for the project, but it has no bearings
on how they see you as a person.
Like in a normal, you know, feedback.
Exactly. That's why when we talk about feedback in season two, we said, make sure you don't
take it personally. It's usually about the subject, not about the person.
What about the individual? Because the consequences of accepting it as a personal issues are more
prolonged and more sustained.
Yes. And the first reaction that you get is very defensive because you feel that it's
an attack on you, whereas it's problem versus the team, not you versus the team.
So what other issues you might come across when you rely on that form of validation?
So I guess we said that it's easier to accept others for you because we have trouble believing
in our own accomplishment. So perhaps a more relatable example is if you are, let's say,
trying to lose weight and you've noticed there are some gradual pounds coming off on the
weighing scale, but that has minimal impact on how you feel about yourself in comparison
to people commenting that you have lost weight.
Okay. So the facts are a bit more blurred in comparison to what people feel and think
about it.
Yes. Because when you're talking about people's perception, it's bias. Like we all do.
Yeah, we all do. It's cute. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Where can it take us then?
So it might lead to feeling guilty when you're setting boundaries. It might lead to being
an overachiever because you're trying to receive praise. And when you're doing that...
So that at your own cost?
Maybe, maybe not. Being an overachiever can be quite, I guess, good thing in the short
run because you can achieve things relatively quickly. But when the driver is fear and when
the driver is external validation, it burns you out really quickly. Perhaps people jump
from one relationship to another because they can't bear the thoughts of being alone or
perhaps they are alone but feel that I will only be worthy of love when I'm in a relationship.
Okay. So it's difficult to accept yourself as a happy person and as a person that can
love themselves without having this affirmation in other people's view.
Exactly.
So in some circumstances that could be quite dangerous because it appears that validation
could be then tied to control. As some people know that we expect validation, it can entitle
them to dictate some aspects of our life.
Yeah, because we are giving away our power. So it can be dangerous and can potentially
lead to abuse.
Yeah. And I think that, well, in my case, that would be trying to please the unpleasable.
Yes.
I would say my dad was never happy with anything, even himself. Okay. Well, maybe with himself
more often than with anybody else, but that would be a natural consequence why everybody
around him was trying to please him because he was fed on other people's praise to some
extent.
Yeah.
What excessive external validation can cause.
So it can cause us to feel out of control, disconnected. And we talked about shutting
out our inner voice. We feel quite discontent and unfulfilled. It's as if you're empty.
You don't know which direction to go and you don't know what you actually want to do because
what you want to do is determined by what you think other people want you to do.
Yeah, because it's not your purpose.
Yes.
Essentially you are detached from your own personal purpose or you are unable to establish
your own personal driver.
Yeah. But the good news is we can change because we have neuroplasticity in our brain and with
everything we can practice and get better by unlearning and relearning in some ways.
So what do you think can help us before we want to go to stop relying on external validation
excessively? How should we start?
So I guess it comes with the realization when you recognize, when you seek the validation
in order to break the cycle. And I think that was the beginning for me and trying to reconnect
with myself to see what is truly important for me rather than others when approaching
me.
Yeah. So you check in with yourself, finding out what you need. So let's say it might be
what does your body need? What does your mind need? And so you are relearning how to listen
to what your body or your mind is telling you instead of shutting them off.
Yeah. And then you show a bit of self-love, I guess, but it's not about just loving yourself,
but also liking yourself for how you are just to embrace your imperfections to some extent
and not rely on acceptance of all the things that you're doing well.
So practicing self-compassion then, would you say?
Yeah. The self-compassion also to increase self-awareness, to start to listen to yourself
and realize that you're not only doing bad things for yourself, that you're not only
doing things for others. And the balance is then increased towards the internal validation
where you start to realize what is important and what is good for yourself, not only from
others' perspective.
Yeah. And I think this is another thing that I listen to quite a lot is, you know, when
some people say, oh, I feel that way, but I really shouldn't, I feel really bad for
feeling it this way. I want to suggest accepting feelings with no judgment because feelings
are reactive. It happens without your control.
Feelings, we have little access to how they happen in your body. Yeah. We just can control
how we respond to them.
Exactly. And so when those feelings happen, instead of beating yourself up, try saying,
I'm entitled to feel this way and how I feel now is fleeting because with time it will
pass, it will fade. But accepting those feelings can reduce the negative self-talk that you
have in your head and start more of a kindness.
Yes. You have to be kind to yourself. Cut yourself from slack. Okay. Can we do something
about negative thoughts that leads to negative feelings?
Yeah. I think reframing negative thoughts would be helpful. And if we try to see a different
perspective or maybe another way, what I usually suggest is when you have that thought, imagine
saying that to your friend. Would you say that? 100% of the time, the answer is no.
And so how would you say it to your friend? Okay. Then repeat it to yourself and then
you reframe that perspective.
Yeah. I think it's good to look at how we would address certain things towards our friends
and people around us. I think it's worth remembering. We're usually kinder to others than we are
to ourselves. And in order to maintain the balance, that has to be equal, even and thought
through a little bit more.
Exactly. Thinking about perhaps triggers as well, such as social media or the news, because
if these are places where it exacerbates the need for external validation, especially for
social media, try perhaps having some breaks from it or reducing days where you go on it
while you're trying to start the practice of reconnecting with yourself.
And checking how many likes and comments you have on your picture of whatever holidays,
whatever exciting thing you do, can increase the level of anxiety when they don't appear.
They don't have to appear for many reasons, but this external validation through likes
and comments can be quite a tricky one to break.
Yeah. And I think it's important to find people and surround yourself with people that builds
you up, that cheer you on.
That you can rely on or trust their opinion.
I would say not finding people that tear you down, because when you are in that state,
you are very vulnerable and very exposed, and that can be used against you. So find
people that supports you and give you, in a modern term, positive vibes.
It's a term. You don't have to say that, you know, as young people say that. It's a term
and it's a positive vibe. Vibes been, you know, older than you. We don't have to be,
you know, pretending we're 150 years old.
Okay. I think it's important to also treat yourself with understanding and it's a good
time to start the journey of self discovery. So finding your own strengths. What are you
good at?
After all, you know, finding your strength and your values that are important to you,
that's what makes you.
Yeah. And values are internal. They're not defined by other people. It's what is important
to you and you align your actions to your value. So it's like your internal moral compass.
And as long as your action aligns to your value, you are creating your own loop of internal
validation and positive feedback.
What else can help us to overcome the reliance on external feedback?
Setting boundaries because that is extremely difficult. We talked about people pleasing.
We talk about saying yes all the time. So learn to say no.
How do you learn it? Any tips on starting the journey of saying no?
I would say do it from small things. So perhaps say no when somebody asks you a favor. Say
no when you are asked to go out because you're so tired. And then you gradually expand it
to say no to relationships that drain you. That is a great leap forward. And perhaps
saying no face-to-face is really difficult. So saying no on a text, that's a bit easier.
Yeah, to start with, I think that's a really good start.
And then maybe you have to type no and throw your phone away and think, oh my goodness,
that was so difficult. And then sit with it, find something else to do. And then again,
the feeling will pass and then you will feel more empowered. The next time when you do
it again, you will have that feeling, but it will last shorter, but it will empower
you even more. And with time, that will give you a sense of liberation when you say no.
And imagine saying no to relationships that drain you or relationship that is unhealthy
for you. So that is a great step towards reliance on
yourself more than anything. Are there any more advanced way of making yourself more
independent?
Yes, I think starting a gratitude journal.
What's that?
So saying or writing down things that you are grateful for. It can be very, very simple
things that I thank my lungs because I'm able to breathe today. I thank my eyes because
I'm able to drive today. It can be very, very small things. Or it can be, I'm grateful
that I've got food on the table. I am grateful because I've got a job, people that supports
me and a roof up of my head.
So these are really basic things that apply to all of us, really?
Yes. And if you really, really struggle, look in the mirror and say, I love my eyebrow.
I love my eyelashes. It can be very, very small things. I love my nails. I love my fingers
because they helped me type today.
All 10 of them.
Exactly. I'll start from the thumb if you find 10 of them really difficult to say. But
look at small things that perhaps you haven't been focusing on because you are so used to
focusing on what is negative or what could have been done better. It's then a practice
to look at actually what's gone right and give yourself credit for things that went
well. So I've asked for some people to do this, to start a daily mantra where you repeat
to yourself in the mirror, take two seconds, just repeat to yourself, I'm good enough.
I'm beautiful.
So you want to shift the balance from external validation to internal validation. Is there
any amount of external validation that is good for us?
Yes. I think having feedback externally is important. And we need that to work as a team.
We need that to collaborate. We need that to expand ideas or work across different areas
or come together as a team. So again, it's not a negative thing. It's just how much we
rely on it.
Yeah. So you mentioned the team and you mentioned what others can affect us. What about comparisons?
What about comparisons to others?
So I don't think comparing yourself to others helps. It's more beneficial when you compare
yourself to you yesterday or you three months ago to check your own progress. That's why
any sort of journaling, whether it's gratitude journaling or mood journaling is helpful because
you can always track your own progress. So rather than seeing what people are portraying,
which is what they want to show, it's much realistic and I guess closer to the truth
because you can see how you have been for the last month, three months, six months,
and then tracking your progress that way. So if you want to compare yourself to you.
So we talked that a lot of those issues with too much reliance on external validations
have the root in our childhood. So that goes back to our family home. Can we do something
to address that? To, I don't know, go back, replace something in order to fit it as a
part of, well, therapy for lack of a better description.
Yeah. I would suggest do this with the therapist. I did this myself and felt that a huge weight
was lifted off my shoulder, but this was something that was done with me, myself, lots
of tears and lots of self-talk. And in one way or another, it's exactly what I'm trying
to achieve is what you just said. So I'm trying to be the parent to myself that I needed as
a child. And one of the biggest, I guess, trauma that I was holding on to that I didn't
realize it was a primary school mate, perhaps a nine-year-old. And what happened was almost
at the brink of just giving up, didn't know what to do. And she was holding a knife and
she was telling me, I really don't know what you want me to do anymore. Is that what you
trying to do? Are you trying to kill me? And she was holding my hand and putting my hand
on her hand that's holding the knife. So in some ways it made me feel like it was my fault.
And so for me, I had to go back to that nine-year-old version of me and reassured the younger me.
And I essentially said, it is not your fault. You meant well. It is not on you. You are
loved and you are cherished. And I have to keep repeating that until that nine-year-old
child slowly realized that I am not the one responsible for holding up the knife. It's
not my responsibility to take on an adult's emotional burden.
Wow. Well, thanks for that. That's something new that I learned about you now as well.
Yeah. So it took me a long while, but I learned to let it go. Again, I would suggest this
is something that you do with your therapist. This is something that I guess was triggered
by a lot of things, very simple things actually, things that I see in the movies, cartoons
that I see with the kids and made me realize I'm actually ready to deal with it then. And
I didn't realize it was so deep in. And when I did some digging, it was there. It was there
ready to be faced. And so I had to let it go, but it wasn't easy letting it go. So I
had to go back to that situation, be that nine-year-old me, explore that feeling and
understanding why my feelings were blocked at that time. And I guess that nine-year-old
me always stayed within me until I manage it.
Well, thanks for that. That was a good example of how close to us those problems can be and
how common they are. It's not something that we took out of the, you know, it's not pie
in the sky. We decided to talk about it for a reason. We come across people who do struggle
with reliance on external validation. And there is a lot of us that need often professional
help, but also just reflection, ability to look back and work with it, try to accept
it, sit with it and work on it. Yeah. And seek help. Please do, because it
will affect you in a lot of different ways, perhaps many ways than you would have realized.
And if you have the practice to reflect and to start the awareness, it will reduce your
risk of burnout. It will reduce your risk of being overwhelmed. And you can still achieve
what you want to achieve, but then the driver is different. You're not driven by fear. You
are not driven by what-ifs. You're not driven by other people's perception or what you think
other people's perceptions are, which is wrong anyway. And we're trying to achieve balance.
We can't live with avoiding validation completely because it's not who we are in our biology.
It is finding balance to taking the feedback for you positively and leaving the negativity
behind and not let it define you. And I think that's going to help you build
confidence and self-love. And it's never too late to start addressing it. The sooner we do it,
more chances that we're not going to pass it on to others like our children. But it's never too
late to work on it for ourselves and to make sure that we come to peace with situations that might
have happened, that might have led to the position that you are now. Thank you very much for this
week and have a little think if there are any situation that might have led you to a conclusion
that you can relate to it. Have a little think about where you are now. Are you a people pleaser?
Do you find hard to say no? Do you feel guilty when you're setting boundaries for self-care,
for yourself? Let us know in the comments or as you usually do, you might find it quite tricky
to put it in the public comments. So feel free to message us directly. We would love to hear from
you. We would like to create a safe and brave space for people to step up. Thank you very much
and we'll speak to you soon. Bye-bye.
work. His belief that the limits set by your body and mind can be pushed past to achieve your
full potential. His 40% rule is inspiring but daunting at the same time.
And one way or another, I felt really motivated after reading the book. It gives me an adrenaline
rush and I ended up thinking, yeah, I can do whatever I want to. If he can go past physical
limits, what I want to achieve might sound ambitious, but I'm sure it is actually doable.
Extremely inspiring.
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