The Power of Reflection: Unlocking Self-Awareness and Growth

What do we know about reflection?
We've always been saying that, oh, you have to reflect on this, reflect on that.
But how do we actually do it? And why do we actually do it?
My name is Mike.
And it's Yuen.
Welcome to The Imperfect Clinician.
Yuen, we've been talking about reflecting on certain life events, I guess,
and things that happen to us during the day, during the life, the choices we make.
But what does it actually mean to reflect?
Because I think it's quite important to understand what does reflection mean to one.
What does it mean to you? What is reflection?
I think for me, I do reflection better when I am slightly away from the situation.
So having a bit of distance from the situation,
I think it's very hard to do that when I'm in the heat of the moment.
When emotions are running high, I cannot take a step back and reflect.
When you talk about reflecting on the past,
when you're talking about reflecting on the now, for example, what my week's been like,
I think reflection for me is a practice.
It's a habit, I guess, that you cultivate of how you view things
and see it from a different perspective.
And I think for some people, reflection happens in their head all the time.
So for example, somebody said this, and then the automatic reaction in the head is,
oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that, or maybe I should have done it differently, or maybe.
And so all the doubts then start to creep in.
I think having the practice to do that constructively is a skill that is not really a priority when I was growing up.
But then when you grow up, what do you know about reflection?
What do you know about reflecting on things?
For me, it's a skill that we grow into, I guess, or some of us.
I mean, some people don't reflect anything and they're just happiest people alive
because they just go through and they don't go back to situations that happened to them.
For me, reflection is something probably a little bit different.
Let's start with the definition, not how I do it.
In my humble opinion and in my experience, we talked about it in the past that we always react with feelings.
So when there is a situation, when there is a choice, when there is somebody's reaction,
or you're talking to someone, you usually respond with your feelings.
So then for me, a reflection is going back to the events with the head.
So trying to disintegrate all those elements of the decision or the answer response to, for example, what happened before,
how did I feel then, deconstruct or decompose into the integral parts.
For me, those parts would be, as I said, what happened before, how did I feel,
what state of mind I was, then the event, what feelings did it trigger, and then there was a response.
That's how I responded. And usually, as we agreed to a great extent, feelings is the first thing that we can't really control,
and we respond to the situation.
And then as we get older, we get better at this reflecting on things that have happened,
because we have got better experience, because we know ourselves better.
But surprisingly, for me, reflection would be most valuable the younger we are.
So it is a bit of a difficult situation where, as older I am personally, I know better about myself,
I have greater experience, and yet I spend more time reflecting on things that happen around me,
just to, I don't know, make things better in the future, just to try to justify certain things, just to know myself even more.
I think that I could do that when I was way younger, trying to tap into those emotions when the events were happening.
And that would probably yield even better results.
So the moral of the story for me is, if I'm alive again, start reflecting earlier.
I think when you say we reflect better when we're older, I don't think that is the case for everybody.
Some people, like you said, are quite ignorant.
I don't know whether I can say blissfully ignorant about actions, behaviors, and don't have the ability to reflect due to a variety of reasons.
Would you say that's overconfidence?
Because you seem to know yourself to the point that, oh, I know that's what I'm going to do, that's what I did, and I don't need to go back to it.
I don't think so.
I think overconfidence is more of a symptom instead of the root cause.
Overconfidence or people displaying behaviors of ego, for example, for me, I tend to see it in people who lack self-confidence.
So almost overcompensating by doing things in a completely different manner or in greater intensity.
And so when I see that, I don't see it as lack of, perhaps there will be lack of reflection, but I see it as the fear driving the behavior.
And so for that person doing the reflection is addressing the fear.
And that is a very difficult thing to do.
Yeah, fair point. Fair point.
I guess with ego, it's a little bit different in that respect that ego is ultimately the desire to feel better than you potentially actually are.
I mean, very often people who have quite a big dose of ego, they lack the distance.
So if you lack the distance, it's harder to reflect.
But that can also be a driver because sometimes when you reflect, reflection can make you more aware of risks and that can prevent you from doing certain things in the future.
I mean, for example, if you are reflecting that you offended somebody who was, I don't know, nasty to you or whatever, then in the future, you're going to hold back.
Oh yeah, last time I was thinking about it, I felt really guilty because I didn't want to behave the way I did, even though they were nasty to me.
But then sometimes you just have to let it go and let people know what you think about their nastiness.
Yeah, and that point that you've mentioned about the ego is feeling better than someone else, I think that comes from the inability to have the distance from the situation.
So they take things really personally.
Yeah, that's the way that people can respond.
But not only people who have quite a high ego take things personally, I don't think.
But I think that's not a bad thing to have big ego, provided you invest in yourself to get to the point where you want to be.
Do you know what I mean?
Right, I'm the greatest bricklayer in the construction side, okay?
And if you don't deliver, you're just cocky, I guess, you're just overconfident.
But then if you learn to do that when you actually walk the walk and not just talk the walk, then you can absolutely deliver.
And I don't think that having big ego is necessarily a bad thing, but it can be destructive as well.
Especially for people around.
I guess I would call it a little bit different because having a sense of, which is what ego is, sense of self-esteem and self-importance.
When you have a strong foundation of self-esteem, I would see it as a grounded confidence that you don't feel the need to prove a point.
Yeah, I mean, you can grade it gradually, you know, from being, for example, having no self-esteem and having no opinion or anything,
to being super egoistic and person that's sort of focusing the world on their own.
We say in Poland, you are the belly button of the world.
So everything starts with you, essentially, okay?
But when it comes to reflection, with reflection comes a bit of wisdom, and that's how you probably gain experience.
And the more you invest in looking at the events that happened with your head, the more you are able to train your muscle memory.
And then in the future, if similar events happen, you already have got the skill to respond in a different way.
And that is the benefit of reflection for me.
So when I come across a situation where people are fighting, maybe if I'm young, I'm going to join them.
Then you reflect on it and say, well, actually, is this the best choice?
And then you realize that maybe something different would be a preferred option for you.
Could be running away, could be, you know, maybe going again and fight.
Who knows? You know, it depends on the circumstances and depends on your reflection.
But you've made it a bit more conscious choice and a conscious decision to take part in this event, should this happen in the future.
I mean, the events that happen around us, it's a bit like the way we speak.
There was a difference when you write something, let's say, if we were writing strict scripts for our podcast.
When we were reading it, our voices would sound differently and less natural than as if we were just free flowing.
Because when you're free flowing, when you're talking, you don't know what's going to come out of your mouth next.
And through the practice, through learning, you are able to articulate yourself just a bit better each time.
I mean, I'm still learning how to express my emotions. I'm learning about the feelings.
I'm learning about myself, how I respond to things. And I'm, you know, just a tad older than 21.
When you say that two terms come to mind, and I used to think if you have one, you'll have the other.
But now upon reflecting, I don't think so. And those two terms are emotional regulation and emotional awareness.
So emotional awareness is when you have the awareness to go, yes, I feel scared. I feel excited.
And the emotional regulation is when something really affects you, you are able to regulate your own emotions and then deal with the situation.
I used to think that you must have emotional awareness to have emotional regulation.
But I noticed that is not the case because some people have the ability to regulate their own emotions because this is something that they have to do.
Learn to do. Whether this is how they had to survive growing up or whether that's an image that they uphold at work.
But it does not mean that they have awareness of how they're feeling.
And so I think I am seeing these two as two completely different skill sets that, yes, I can tell you or I can, when I'm reflecting, I know how I'm feeling.
But it doesn't mean that I know how to regulate it. And the other way around, I can regulate it really well.
From the outside, it looks like I've got, you know, very good emotional intelligence, but I might be very good at regulating, but not very good at understanding them.
Okay, so I'm going to drop one more thing to the mix. I think we're sometimes better equipped to reflect about others than about ourselves.
Of course.
Okay, so we are able to make those comments, oh, she should have done that. He should have dumped her. He should have changed his job or, you know, should have done it differently.
He should have bought a blue car instead of a red car. Do you know what I mean? We are able to spot this in others, but it's sometimes a bit harder to reflect on our lives.
I think, depending on what sort of comments or thoughts when you say those things.
We even do it when we're watching the movie. Do you know what I mean? When there's something really rough, oh, she should have, oh, it would have, could have, should have, you know, should have, would have, could have, whatever the sequence.
Yeah, and because when it's somebody else's situation, you always have a little bit of distance.
That's true.
And sometimes it's not. Sometimes I've seen where something has happened and somebody's feeling really upset and the other person, because this triggered their own fear of addressing those difficult emotions and they've not had practice in doing that.
They want to do everything that they can to help them, partially to alleviate the other person's pain, but the other part is to alleviate their own pain or their fear of addressing those emotions.
So it's like being detached from what's happening in your life. Is that substitute decision-making or substitute reflection?
I want to say substitute for giving that person space and time.
So for example, if you are in a lot of pain, you feel lost, instead of sitting with you and say, I'm here for you, I'm giving you lots of advice.
You should do this. You should do that. You should do, let me help you with this. I'll sort this out for you.
All of that. Some part of that comes from potentially, I want to feel that I'm needed. I can feel that I can contribute to the situation.
Some part of it is seeing you feeling that might make me feel that I recognize some of those feelings or some of those pain.
And one way of avoiding it is try to problem solve because then you don't have to sit with the pain.
True. You are right there. I think in my humble little head.
So now are there any techniques, are there any ways that we can draw to our listener as an idea for reflection or differently?
How to get a distance from the situation that happened so that they can reflect in peace?
That's a billion dollar question. I think there are two parts. I think if I break it down to two different skill sets, one, the emotional awareness.
I think learning to name those emotions are really important. And I know we might start off with happy, sad, and angry, you know, three core emotions, but there are lots of different emotions.
And I think Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart helps in given definition.
That's a recommended book. Absolutely. Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart.
And I think that really helps in helping you name those emotions because it, it really helps you understand how are they different things that shouldn't be used together.
So for example, we mentioned in season one, shame is not the same as guilt. Fitting in is not the same as belonging.
So I think having a very crystal clear clarity about how you're actually feeling helps.
The other bit about emotional regulation, unfortunately, I don't know for other people, but for me, it wasn't a skill that was prioritized when I was growing up.
So I had to learn it myself and I'm trying to do that for our children.
And sometimes it's very hard to practice those skills when you don't see them frequently enough.
So for example, if I'm, you know, angry about something, I haven't seen the situation enough to learn how to have a distance from it.
And so for me, sometimes it helps when I sort of replay the situation in my head or redoing it.
So for example, if, and I heard this from somewhere else where they said, my child is really upset when they can't throw the ball in the net.
And I asked them to keep doing it, purposely miss it.
So then they can see how they feel.
And because they're doing a lot of the times, they slowly learn the practice of how to deal with the emotions.
You sit with it.
Yeah, you sit with it.
And also you do it repeatedly to gain that practice on how you deal with it.
You might hate it forever.
There is a risk.
I mean, you know, if somebody makes you do something that can have different effect as well.
You can just resent it and never want to go back to it ever again.
It can be scared for life.
So for example, throwing a ball in the net, missing it.
And the child said, oh, I'm so bad at this.
And I'll go, I can see you're really frustrated.
Let's try it again.
Miss it.
And then we'll say, I need more practice.
I can do this.
So it's, I think it's the wording of what you say to yourself.
That's the great mistake.
Learn from it.
Yes.
Yeah.
And so I think using those situations in a, you know, hopefully a relatable way helps.
And for me, I do that when I'm dealing with a stressful situation.
The first time when I deal with it, it can feel quite intense.
It can feel quite overwhelming.
But what I do is having the practice in my head where I go, right, if this happens, how can I do it differently?
What things do I have in place?
What system do I have in place to help me deal with it?
Whether it's walk away, take a deep breath, go and make a cup of tea.
Think about what I'm saying to myself.
Instead of blaming myself, I'm going to be more constructive.
And all those little steps then helps me build a system on how to regulate my emotions.
Okay.
So, hug in a tree.
Hug in a tree.
What you've been talking about in the past.
And we did a little short video about it as well.
Yes.
And hug in a tree is definitely, I don't know why, it's something about being in nature.
Being in awe of how unconditional and selfless a tree is, where they provide shade to every single person.
And a bit of oxygen.
Yes.
And a loss of everything else.
And they do it without questions asked, with no request for anything in return.
And I think when I'm in that trees, any nature present, I feel calmer.
I don't know why, it just drops my blood pressure.
So, it's essentially giving space for yourself.
Allowing the space and environment, no matter what you do.
Whether you consider appreciating your children, or your parents, or brothers, sisters, friends.
Whether you meditate, whether you go for a walk.
It's all about creating a little space for you.
So that your brain can be more tuned into answering those questions on the events that might have happened.
Yeah, and you said tuning into, I think that is really important.
Because how you're feeling has always been there.
We listen to it very much so.
And we're very in tune with it when we're younger, when we're babies, we have to.
But with time, we seem to either avoid it, or numb it, or not lost the connection to ourselves.
I think there are different priorities as you get older.
Because you have other things to do, and you can't properly always do as a baby.
If you're a baby, if you're hungry, you cry.
If you want to sleep, you sleep.
And as you're older, you begin to be slightly detached from listening to your body.
And there are louder voices that stand in a way for you to listen to your emotions, how you feel.
Yeah, all the distractions, how you perceive the world.
Because you look at it through the prism of the emerging priority.
Right, I haven't got time to do this because I have to go to work, pick up the kids.
I don't know, do the presentation, speak in front of the people.
And there are things that are stopping us, and they are affecting how we rest, and it's all a vicious circle.
So finding space for us is very beneficial in order to guide the process of reflection.
To look into the, not necessarily always you need to reflect on every single effect.
But I think that if we at least analyse the emotions, the feelings that we had during the event, situation,
day, week, month, I think that's going to be a huge prediction of how we're going to essentially program ourselves to reflect in the future.
Yeah, I agree.
And some people say to me, I just don't have time because I've got so many things else to do.
And I've got caring responsibilities, I'm worrying about money, and I've got X, Y, and Z.
And what I say to them always is, it's not about giving yourself an hour, 30 minutes.
It's making sure that you do it consistently, even for two minutes a day.
And even that small step with time builds up and it helps.
And when you build on that, so let's say you say two minutes, easy now for me, I'm going to build it up to three to five minutes.
Those are the little building blocks that will help you practice the reflection.
That's why when I speak to seasoned meditators, because they do it so frequently, they can almost like have a switch where they go, right, listen internally, what's happening?
Because they have been doing it longer, not just longer for each time, but longer in terms of years they've been doing it.
And so it's a practice that can be learned.
And I want to share this quote from Dr. Susan David's book called Emotional Agility.
It's about showing up to our difficult emotions.
So honouring them and getting that stepping out experience where we are able to be effective with them.
Before we go through our emotions, we need to go to our emotions.
And so learning to sit with it before we can then use that as a tool to understand ourselves better, but also a tool to drive us better.
I think that sitting with emotions can be beneficial, but I don't think it has to be beneficial all the time.
I think that sometimes we become more entrenched in this feelings of, for example, misery or helplessness or inability to overcome a problem or a difficulty.
You're ruminating it.
Yeah, you're ruminating.
So I think that we have to find a way of sitting in it but with a purpose.
Because if you're just going to, say, blame yourself for something, okay, then it's not necessarily going to be very productive.
And I think it's important to realise the purpose of that sitting with it.
I think that as long as we understand that sitting with it to try to understand how we respond to things and how we go about and how we feel about the whole situation, so we use it as a tool to learn about ourselves.
That's when sitting with those emotions can be helpful.
But if you don't have this drive to overcome the difficulties or those feelings, that's going to not necessarily be the most positive experience.
So I used to think that until when I read a few meditation books, they say when you sit with the pain, it might feel like the pain is such a big ball and it engulfs you.
And the more that you sit with it, the ball will get smaller and smaller and the pain will get less and less with time.
That shouldn't be a motto for health service, okay? Time is the best healer.
That shouldn't be, okay?
No, but it made me think.
I agree.
I think when you reflect, it has to come with self-compassion.
I think it has to come with self-kindness because if not, then you're constantly ruminating and then you are in that circle of blame that you've said.
Exactly.
Whereas if you go in with the, I want to understand, I want to feel, and I want to be kind to myself.
Essentially with the growth mindset, with the mindset of, you know, making it useful, making it purposeful.
Yes, and I can be better.
And I can be better, yeah, as a result of it.
So trying to realize that as an old, I don't know where from, a saying, probably Indian if I remember correctly, in the end, everything's fine.
If it's not fine, it's not the end.
So you give yourself that time where you sit, but you hope that in the end, the things are going to pan out okay.
I mean, it doesn't necessarily have to be super result that is going to solve all the problems.
It might be a completely different result that you anticipated, but belief that it's going to be a good result is crucial to understand the purpose of that sitting in pain, essentially.
How do you reflect?
Do you have a set routine?
Have you ever considered looking into the events that just happened around you through the prism of how can I get better at it?
How can I grow as a result of it?
And if you do struggle to reflect, let us know why.
Yeah, I think it's very important.
I mentioned before in one of the episodes that I don't like to leave the history, but we should all remember the history.
And I think that this just makes us bigger, better, more experienced, and ultimately, one would hope, wiser.
Thank you very much for joining us this week, and we hope you can join us next time as well.
Bye bye.
Today we're exploring Luster by Raven Leilani.
So I found this gem in Barack Obama's favourite book of the year list.
So this is a debut novel and surprisingly had the mixture of how it made me feel.
It was emotional, tender, darkly funny, sometimes absurd, but also really relatable and heartbreaking.
It explores the story of Leilani, a broken young black woman in a white couple's family who has, guess what, a black adopted daughter.
The intricacy and thought process were crystal clear.
It is as if I'm seen through her eyes and mind.
It opened my eyes to what is it like when you are growing up in an environment where you're not in touch with your culture,
whether that was intentionally or unintentionally.
Really, really interesting read, a definite page turner for me.
I had to finish it all in one go.
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